Local Syndrome: The Rest of Jackson Hole

By on April 4, 2018

The ‘Best of’ categories grossly overlooked and underrepresented

(Ryan Stolp)

JACKSON HOLE, WY – I’m sure we all can agree that the Best of Jackson Hole awards are all well-deserved and that all readers vote without biases. After all, the “Best of JH” poll is an opportunity to shine a light on the most exquisite aspects of Jackson, from the classy Thai restaurants to the most gifted individuals in their respective industries. Which is why I feel so humbled and thankful to have taken gold for Best Actor/Actress. It’s such an honor and I applaud Harrison Ford for winning silver. He’s a talented fellow with an incredible acting resume and legacy. But the public has spoken. Harry, better luck next year.

Some naysayers might whine that these awards are meaningless. They say it’s a popularity contest that doesn’t accurately reflect Jackson Hole as they see it. But, you know, maybe they should try voting in the poll. (Their grumbles are slightly akin to the half of Americans who didn’t vote in the last election and are now saying, “What the…!”)

What some don’t realize is that those of us who win Best of get to revel in all of the abundant rewards one reaps throughout the year. It’s like winning the lottery, but instead of 400 million dollars, you receive a framed piece of paper with your name on it. Those same naysayers might scoff and claim that’s an exorbitant prize, but they’re clearly just jealous.

Now there were a few awards that were not given this year, and I believe there are some cultural alcoves that were grossly overlooked.

Therefore I have taken the liberty to poll my most trusted ski bros, aspiring brewers, Wilson moms, goggle-tanned trustfundafarians, and people who just live here for the tax write-off (i.e. The Esteemed Locals) on the categories that truly matter most to our community.

To Planet Jackson Hole’s powers that be, listen up.

Best time of the year to find housing

Gold: When the mountain closes

Silver: That one week in October

Bronze: When Shelter JH gathers enough signatures for its petition to allow more than three unrelated people to live in the same house #MunicipalCodesGoneWild

Best traits to find in a Jackson partner

Gold: Agility

Silver: Accountability

Bronze: Stability

Best thing to cause anxiety 

Gold: Finding a table at Persephone Bakery

Silver: Finding an outfit for closing weekend!

Bronze: No ticket for Diplo

Best way to break up before summer

Gold: “I love how independent you are.”

Silver: Radio silence

Bronze: “I’m not looking for a relationship right now”… sent via Facebook messenger

Best way to feign being local

Gold: Almost finding the Easter keg

Silver: Hitting up Shovel Slide after 3 p.m.

Bronze: Getting asked where you’re from and answering, “I live here now.”

Best pricy thing that you buy anyway

Gold: A $14 cocktail at The Rose

Silver: A pass to walk up a mountain

Bronze: Another $14 cocktail at The Rose because, whatever, I’ll just put it on a credit card and, sure, let’s keep it open

Best pun on Thai food

Gold: Thai’d for 1st

Silver: Thai Dye

Bronze: My Buddy Thai-ler

Best amateur porn name for a Jackson native (i.e. name of first pet and the street you grew up on)

Gold: Cache Cache

Silver: Puma Powderhorn

Bronze: Diego No Name Alley

Best thing you should do

Gold: Donate to a local nonprofit

Silver: Remember to bring your reusable bags

Silver (Tie): Stop idling your car while recycling all those wine and beer bottles

Bronze (Tie): Leave your house at a reasonable time so as not to arrive late to another engagement with friends you love and respect

Bronze (Tie): Pay attention to local politics

Best place to score weed

Gold: Take a gondola ride

Silver: Take a gondola ride with the Park and Pipe crew

Bronze: Denver, if you must

Best way to feel like a prominent member of the community

Gold: Remember a business or restaurant that no longer exists

Silver: Serve on a nonprofit board

Bronze: Win a Best of JH award and write a column about it

 


About Andrew Munz

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