Underage: It’s not just for Alabama anymore!

By on November 29, 2017

Planet Jackson Hole’s interview with three teenage women who claim Hog Island mayor Ndogo Uume made improper sexual advances towards them has caused an uproar in the Hog Island political establishment. Repercussions of the scandal have reached as far as Star Valley, where the concept of “age of consent” is considered left-wing, politically correct liberal governmental meddling.

At yesterday’s press conference, Uume’s Press Secretary Sara Hucksterabee venomously denied that the mayor had inappropriate contact with underage women and called the article in the Planet lies planted by Uume’s political enemies.

“Tweeds sent by the mayor stating he assaulted, dated and walked in on underage girls while they were changing clothes for his sponsored Hog Island Bacon Queen competition are rhetorical in nature, not meant to be taken literally.” Hucksterabee insisted.

“Uume had no contact with any of the women interviewed at any time, ever, never did it, didn’t happen, end of story, period.’ Hucksterabee said. “But even if he had, we’re talking several weeks ago, hardly proper to bring up accusations after the fact. And besides what is improper sexual advances supposed to mean anyway? What if a mosquito landed on her behind and he swatted it away in a heroic attempt to reduce the chance of malaria? These charges are perpetrated by women who are evil, lying, conniving and bad and who will be publically ostracized, sued, arrested and charged. If it had really happened, why didn’t they come forward sooner? What could they have possibility been afraid of?”     

At a fundraiser, Uume was defiant about the charges.

“I don’t know anything about the woman,” he said. “I don’t even remember the rose tattoo on her left butt cheek, a yellow rose if I don’t remember right. If you look at the situation, you’ll see it’s all about politics. I am a good Christian; just look at my record. For years I’ve been publically expressing hate toward those who are different than myself. That proves I follow the teachings of Jesus.”

Uume’s latest girlfriend vouched for his character.

“We’ve been together for like almost a whole month.” She explained. “We met on the town square after the bouncer at the Cowboy Bar like wouldn’t let me in. Ndogo, or as I like to call him, my little, very little, Do-doie, knew the bouncer and he, like, cashed in a favor to get my fake I.D. approved. Do-doie paid for all the Tequila I could drink and an order of chicken wings! The next morning we had breakfast in bed with lots of bacon! Tons of bacon! The biscuits were store bought Pillsbury, but no one is perfect.  Do-doie got me up, got me dressed, gave me some aspirin and a beer for my hangover and drove me to school in time for my freshman English class! I love English class first thing in the morning, gives me a chance to catch up on my sleep. That is not the behavior of a man that makes improper sexual advances toward teenagers. I would say very proper advances indeed!” PJH


About Clyde Thornhill

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