REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hoback Goes to Washington

By on October 13, 2015

How to play the parties like a boss

Jackson, WY – Blythe Winters-Paulson, Vice President of Ethics with Goldman Sachs, for whom I serve as a beer-bellied play toy, had her private jet fly me to Washington D.C. last week. She was busy building political capital (soon to become financial capital) in the nation’s capitol.

And she was ecstatic about the current political turmoil. “With the presidential primary debates in full swing and House leadership changes, there is money to be made,” she said. “Tea Party Republicans have blood in their eyes and establishment Republicans have given up trying to fend them off and instead are one upping each other in venomous attacks on all things not conservative. And the poor Democrats — they want Hillary to be Bernie, Bernie to be Biden and Biden to be Hillary. I haven’t had this much fun since I arranged a 2.8 billion euro loan to Greece and disguised it as a cross-currency swap using a fictitious market exchange rate. It caused the Greek financial crisis but we made a pile.”

“Which side are you bribing today?” I asked.

“Goldman Sachs does not bribe,” she said, indignantly. “I am merely donating money, trips and dinners, or providing female or male companionship, as the case may be, to both sides. All we asked in return is influence on upcoming legislation.”

“What’s the difference between influence and bribery?” I asked.

“Bribery is when you buy a specific vote on a specific bill,” she explained. “Influence is when you write the bill.”

“I’ve been meeting with the Republican and Democratic Platform committees,” she continued, unable to contain her excitement. “I promised the Republicans that we would finance a national standard for American history textbooks that calls slaves ‘imported workers’ like they do in Texas. We will support workers’ rights by eliminating the minimum wage and ending overtime pay, and we will push for new Middle East wars in an attempt to destabilize foreign oil production and get domestic oil back to $100 a barrel. I promised the Democrats that we would pursue endangered species protection of the Greater Western Chisler, would encourage naming a bridge after Meryl Streep, and would work to promote a National Day of Global Injustice Awareness.”

“That sounds fun,” I said.

“Well, it wasn’t all fun and games,” Blythe replied. “I had to mediate an inter-party fight among the Democrats. Instead of a National Day of Global Injustice Awareness, some of the more extreme elements of the party demanded a National Day of Inequality Awareness. After a two-day session, it was resolved that National Day of Global Injustice Awareness would include in its bylaws reference to inequality awareness. Now if only the Republicans could learn to compromise like that.”

I wanted a piece of the action. “Can I bribe … I mean influence someone,” I begged.

“Sure,” Blyth said. “Trump’s coming by later. He’s all yours.”

“I can’t influence him,” I complained. “He’s got all the money and girls he needs.”

“Not money and girls,” she explained. “When he walks in just tell him he’s awesome, the greatest and the best. Trust me, he’ll do whatever you want.” PJH


About Clyde Thornhill

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