Redneck Perspective: The Night Before a Hog Island Christmas

By on December 13, 2017

Twas the night before Christmas alone in my trailer , no hot babe to disrobe I felt like a failure

No stockings to remove no legs to bear, no one for which to play adult truth or dare

The Booze was nestled all snug on the shelf, I wanted a loose women not some stinking elf

I just settled down for a long winters nap,
passed out after a massive Jack Danial’s night cap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I spring from the couch to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
turn open the shutters stumble over the trash

The moon on the breast of new fallen snow (I love the word breast makes my heart glow)

When what to my wondering eyes did deduce, but a miniature sleigh pulled by eight massive moose

With a little driver so completely smashed, I knew in a moment Santa arrived at last

I notice the sleigh was full of hot dames, Santa whistled and shouted and called them by name

Now Blossom now Veda now Paula and Donna, on Candance and Candy on Darcy and Debbie

To the top of the porch to the top of the wall, now unbutton and take it off take it off all

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, or the way bacon sizzles in when in a pan when it’s fried

So up to the trailer top the courses they flew, with a slight full of boy-toys and Saint Nicholas too

And then in a twinkling I heard a female squeal, the staggering and stumbling of each tiny high heel

I opened the door waved them inside, my 1988 deluxe Clayton single wide

Santa was dressed in a bright Hawaiian shirt, the girls wore the shortest of sheer short skirts

Santa’s creased khaki pants were white as milk, underneath the girls wore black lacy silk

Santa’s eyes were bloodshot his breath smelled of Sherry, his cheeks were like roses, his ears were all hairy

From the stub of a pipe he took a big toke, coughed and hacked and waved off the smoke

He shook my hand firmly then said, “Howdy, take a hit of this pot I picked up in Maui.”

He was inebriated and stoned a right jolly old elf, and I grabbed his pipe took a hit for myself

He said I’m not trying to be ostentatious, but I picked up the girls at a strip club in Vegas

We spoke not a word, kicked back to have fun, while the girls spun, danced unbuttoned and undone

After a while Santa and the girls had to go, lots of lonely man in Hog Island you know

He sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a hiss, I didn’t mind-I’d had my night of bliss.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night PJH

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