REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Clamor Ensues over Pinup Replacement

By on June 21, 2017

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume stirred controversy when he removed 2107 Penthouse Playmate of the Year pinup from the Hog Island Town Council Chamber and replaced it with 2016 Playmate Kenna James. Traditionally the current year’s pet is honored in council chambers, though no one remembers when that tradition began. The mayor said that he did not find this year’s playmate particularly attractive and she was not worthy of the honor.

Uume released a statement on Sunday explaining his decision.

“Playmate Jenna Sativa is a brunette and, as everybody is well aware, I prefer blondes like Ms. James. Brunettes can be extremely divisive figures,” Uume noted. “While I understand some residents like brunettes, the town is not ethically obliged to display them. When Hog Island decides to honor brunettes, it is taking sides against some of its residents.”

One of Uume’s critics, Paul Votealot, disagreed. “Any girl who takes her clothes off is worthy of respect,” he said. “This is a non-partisan issue.”

But not all agree with Votealot. Councilman Jim Standfornot said, “Everyone knows that blondes are more fun. We should be able to show up to work on town business without having to see the snarling mug of some brunette.”

Many refused to be placated by Standfornot or Uume. Joe, a regular guy, demanded a recall election. “In December, we had a playmate from Texas,” he said. “She stated in her personality profile that she was a damn Dallas Cowboys fan. Talk about offensive! Yet nobody saw fit to remove that photo.”

Uume responded to Joe’s criticism saying he did not, nor does anybody he knows actually read the personality profiles of the Penthouse playmates. “This is not a decision based on a literary profile,” he said, “but one based upon physical dimensions, hair color and other attributes that are deemed respectable. Brunettes, no matter how attractive, do not represent our values.”

Several of the trailer park’s more progressive women saw the controversy as an opportunity to engage in a larger conversation. “With the horde of pot guts, baldheads and tobacco stained teeth wandering around the trailer court, why not hang a picture of a ripped man with a six-pack belly, big biceps, strong legs, and a smile that includes all his teeth?” one woman asked.

The idea was shot down as everyone knows men who look like that don’t consume the USDA’s daily recommended 3Bs—bacon, biscuits and beer. This promotes a body type that is not only unhealthy but also unrealistic.

One of Uume’s detractors said that while he also likes blondes, removing the brunette playmate is unproductive, divisive, and seen as disrespectful by many. “All that controversy and what does it do to help address the issues facing Hog Island? The mayor is going to have to work with all segments of our community, blondes, brunettes, maybe even a redhead or two. It was a petty, childish, immature and selfish act.”

Uume responded, “Petty, childish, immature and selfish? Maybe I should run for president.” PJH

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