REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: True Path to Enlightenment

By on June 7, 2017

JACKSON HOLE, WY – According to the most recent academic account, Siddhartha Gautama (also known as Hogsara Islandvira), the blessed was born to a wealthy family in Teton Pines in the holy year of 5 CE.

(CE is the academically accepted denotation for the era in Teton County when cappuccino and espresso became available at the bagel shop. BEC is before cappuccino and espresso.)

While scholars are hesitant to make definite claims about certain historical facts, it is generally believed Siddhartha led a sheltered life as his parents—his father was a hedge fund manager from New York and his mother a Connecticut heiress—hoped to shield Siddhartha from Hog Islanders, and especially Hoback Junctioners, so he may have no knowledge of human suffering.

The young Siddhartha was fed only the finest sushi and drank cold pressed organic juices. He played with other West Bank children. When he was older, he drank imported wines, joined the music festival and attended college at Middlebury. However, one day after his parents forgot to engage the monitor on the cable TV, Siddhartha, while clicking through the channels saw a rerun of the program Cops. He was stunned.

“Do people really live in trailers?” he wondered. “And why were police always arresting them?”

Siddhartha decided he needed to see for himself how others lived. The next day, when his parents thought he was at a friend’s house in John Dodge practicing cello, he drove to Whole Grocer. He nourished himself with organic yogurt and a latté before beginning his travels. Then he drove south on Highway 89.

Siddhartha had never been past High School Road before and he was shocked to see tiny houses in Rafter J. He wondered if people could exist in such confined spaces.

“Where would the servants live?” he thought. “And what about wine cellars?”

Siddhartha drove further, passing the South Park bridge and entering Hog Island. This is when he saw suffering on a massive scale. People living in trailer houses, children playing basketball without nanny supervision, and no landscape companies to mow the grass.

He pulled over in front of an older single wide trailer and approached the couple barbequing in the yard. They offered Siddhartha a beer and a platter of barbequed ribs. One sip of Bud Lite and Siddhartha realized he had underestimated the suffering humans and their capabilities to survive.

After more beers and ribs, Siddhartha fell asleep in the bed of a 78 Chevy truck. In his dreams, the demon Mara tempted him with visions of vintage wine, rich, loose Connecticut chicks, and catered cocktail parties in big West Bank homes. He battled Mara all night and in the morning, after a breakfast of biscuits and gravy and Folgers coffee laced with Jim Beam, Siddhartha became enlightened.

That day he bought a .22 rifle and went chiseler hunting (Wyoming slang for sign shooting, beer drinking and four wheeling) and when he returned home, shocked the household chief by fat frying the sashimi salmon in beer batter.

Siddhartha Gautama became the Buddha and his teachings are revered in Hog Island to this day. PJH

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