REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: The Real Best of

By on March 21, 2017

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Every year The Planet does a Best of Jackson Hole issue and every year they get it wrong. Where are the categories for women wearing the shortest skirt, the skimpiest top, the silkiest black lace, most eye shadow, possessing the largest breasts and the winner for most overall trashy? What about the biggest pickup, the biggest gun, the biggest TV screen in the smallest trailer, the best belch, best stripper, biggest beer belly?

The Planet actually has a category for best sushi? How can one raw fish be better than another? It can only be worse. If I had to choose best sushi I would choose Bubba’s mainly because Bubba’s restaurant does not sell sushi, you have to eat smoked pork ribs instead. Darn! They also have no edamame, tartare, shiro miso soup, seaweed salad or anything with tofu! For those whose urbane self-image won’t allow the consumption of hamburgers or barbequed ribs, Bubba’s offers deep-fried fish and chips. It’s the same as sushi, only batter, I mean better!

There was no category for best mountain bike ride and while Hog Islanders are not known for nonmotorized travel, this year a new bike trail was blazed by a couple of Hog Island high school rodeo club members. Basically, they were bored one autumn full moon night when the elk were bugling and chasing each other across the bike path between Timber Island and the Lucas-Fabian cabins.

I won’t go into details, as park rangers might frown on this particular activity, but by creatively combining cowboy traditions, mountain biking, an elk bugle and a well-thrown lariat, they got a fast ride across the sagebrush. Warning for those who wish to attempt this ride: Don’t tie hard and fast around the handlebars unless you have a helmet and full suspension.

Best sustainable neighborhood is not a category because the West Bank would be embarrassed, as Hog Island would surely win hands down. While not known to sport eco bumper stickers on the bumpers of Escalades, Hog Islanders do not have electric toilet lid lifters, heated driveways and year-round temperature controlled vacant second trailers.

Hog Islanders reduce their carbon footprint by taking vacations in the local hills during hunting season, instead of flying across the world to Hawaii for an eco-chic-spiritual-enlightenment retreat. In an attempt to preserve our farmlands from overuse, Hog Islanders drink Bud Lite, a beer so watered down that thousands of bushels of barley and hops are saved annually. Rather than driving to yoga class, art openings, plays or lectures, they watch NASCAR on TV, saving oil for future generations. They ice fish in winter (well at least those who are really hard up for any excuse to drink whiskey) thereby saving the jet fuel required by West Bankers to fly in fresh fish daily.

Lastly, for the fourth year in a row Harrison Ford’s ranch was voted best goose hunting. While not an official Planet category, local goose hunters are having a plaque made up to present to Mr. Ford at the Ducks Unlimited banquet.  PJH

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