REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Town Council in Revolt!

By on February 21, 2017

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Ethics experts are criticizing Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume for using the office of mayor to promote his and his family’s private business interests.

This reporter discovered that Jackson Hole Distributing donated to Uume’s campaign in exchange for his cooperation in breaking the Bud Lite monopoly in Hog Island. Just last week Uume tweeted, “JHD big supporter of me! Drink Coors!”

Later that week Uume blasted Wyoming Outfitters in a tweet for removing his daughter’s line of camo wear. “My daughter Igotalot has been treated so badly by Wyoming Outfitters. She is a great person. Never filed charges against me. So unfair!”

According to Uume, Igotalot’s brand of camo wear is specifically designed for the modern trailer dweller who wants to look stylish while remaining unseen.

In a press release, Wyoming Outfitters said the brand was dropped because of poor sales: “Bow hunters complained there were too many snaps on the clothes and they were coming loose while they waited in cold tree stands.”

Igotalot who, besides her line of camo wear also works as a stripper for Bare Necessities, begins her dance performance in camo. She said snaps make clothes easier to remove. “It’s a fashion statement,” she said. “There not made for the outdoors!”

In other news, Uume’s attempt to normalize ties with the West Bank has alienated John Mican, a member of Uume’s party who is highly critical of the new mayor’s foreign policy, especially as it applies to the West Bank.

Mican has criticized Uume and his connections with West Bankers and accused the mayor of promoting chic-ness and voguish-ness in an attempt to impress realtors. Uume has made no secret of his admiration for Sotheby’s, for its ruthless and iron fisted control of Teton Pines real estate market and repeated use of the word fantastic in its property ads. The issue came to head during a recent Hog Island town meeting when, instead of Little Debbie doughnuts and mini muffins for snacks, there were only dry salt bagels with herb cream cheese.

“It’s what Muldoon has at Jackson Town Council meetings,” Uume explained to outraged council members.

What the hell is this foam in my coffee?” asked Councilman Ben Thergood.

“It is a latté,” Uume explained.

Thergood pushed it away. “I can’t drink that! It could turn me into a socialist or worse, a liberal or Democrat, even a Prius driver!”

Mican was furious. “West Bankers have made huge gains in the Bubba’s civil war,” he claimed. “Just look at the new menu—two-dollar coffee! A Portobello Benedict with goat cheese! A grilled crostini with arugula, sautéed vegetables, balsamic drizzle, avocado and sunflower seeds! Egg white omelet stuffed with broccoli, squash, tomatoes and Gruyère! What the hell is Gruyère? If the West Bank can gentrify Bubba’s, then no one is safe!”

Mican is recommending invoking the nuclear option restricting Hog Island’s famously fun rednecks from pleasuring bored West Bank wives.

Even those who agree in principle with Mican bristle at this extreme sanction.

“How could we do that to those poor girls?” lamented one sympathetic Hog Islander. PJH

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