REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: The West Bank Wall
JACKSON HOLE, WY – Below is the transcript of this reporter’s interview with new Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume regarding his proposed wall along the border of the West Bank.
Clyde Thornbill: Mayor Uume, how do you respond to critics who claim that Hog Island can’t be walled off from the West Bank because it happens to be a part of the West Bank? Evidence based science, maps, and interviews with Snake River ambassador and intrepid explorer Jay Pistono suggest Hog Island is located geographically on the same side of the river as Wilson.
Mayor Ndogo Uume: I don’t care about a bunch of elitist liberal geography nerds who use phony science to promote their liberal agenda. I don’t believe Hog Island is on the West Bank! It’s all garbage! I gave a campaign speech saying I will build a wall and make West Bankers pay for it! It was a great speech. Everyone gave me a standing ovation. Millions of people. It was terrific and proves that I am the most popular mayor ever!
Thornhill: Yes, Mr. Mayor. That brings up another point. It has been reported that you intend to finance the wall with a 20 percent tax on all Wilson and Teton Pines imports to Hog Island.
Uume: That’s correct. It won’t cost Hog Island a penny! I had another speech last week. It was terrific! Everyone said…
Thornhill: I’m sure it was a great speech. However, local economist Jonathan Schechter, says importers will merely raise the price of goods 20 percent to offset the tax increase. People will pay more for West Bank sushi, fair trade organic coffee, turbo charged Sabbs, bumper stickers, everything bagels with fresh herb cream cheese, Wilson Backcountry fat skis and crystals that heal the root chakra and enhance the meditative state. So, it’s Hog Island customers that will bear the brunt of the wall’s cost.
Uume: Jonathan Schechter is a loser, nasty, bad, not good, foul, liberal, has-been. He didn’t support me in the election. And you reporters are all liars. Why don’t you dwell on my speech-making prowess, which is amazing and terrific, instead of these bad peoples? They said it was one of the greatest speeches, people applauding and screaming; way more than those who applauded for Jackson Mayor Pete Muldoon, millions in fact. I got a standing ovation. It was the biggest standing ovation ever. I…
Thornhill: Ahem, if we can continue—there is some concern, not only in Teton Pines and Wilson, but also in Hog Island, that the wall will restrict the flow of Hog Island rednecks as they strive to provide excitement to bored West Bank housewives. Hog Island wives are particularly worried, as these interludes when their men are gone provide their only opportunity to control the TV clicker.
Uume: I could care less about bored Teton Pines housewives. They’re nasty people. They’re the ones who gave me the name of Ndogo Uume. Do you know what that means in Swahili?
Thornhill: Of course, but this is a family paper. PJH