REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Adopts Alternative Reality
JACKSON HOLE, WY – Sean Spicer, press secretary to the new Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume, announced that the mayor is planning a gala party to celebrate his favorite team’s victory in the Super Bowl.
“The Dallas Cowboys are going to kick ass!” he exclaimed. “We expect them to win by at least a touchdown. They would win by more if it wasn’t for cheating by immigrants, liberals and the New England Patriots.”
Spicer went on to claim that Uume’s Super Bowl party would be, “the largest ever in the trailer park.”
News of the party was met with ridicule throughout the trailer court. Nobody in Wyoming likes the Dallas Cowboys except Congressperson Liz Cheney. And she only likes them because she gets the Dallas Cowboys confused with the Wyoming Cowboys.
“Laramie, Dallas, whatever,” she said. “I have Washington D.C. power brunches and Fox News interviews; I don’t have time to worry about geography!”
Later that week during an interview with the Hog Island Bacon and Gun Digest, Uume’s political adviser Kellyanne Conway was informed by this “reporter” that Dallas got beat by the Green Bay Packers in the divisional playoff round and it is ridiculous to assume they could win the Super Bowl since they were not playing in the Super Bowl.
I explained to Conway that it’s important to note that no one in the trailer court likes the Dallas Cowboys, except perhaps latté sippers, sushi suckers and other closet degenerates. And further, it is impossible to know that Uume’s party was the largest ever since it hadn’t happened yet and, in this trailer court, NASCAR events usually outdraw football two-to-one.
Conway snarled. “Your job is not to call things ridiculous that are said by our press secretary and our mayor. That’s why we feel compelled to go out and clear the air and put alternative facts out there. Uume is a Dallas Cowboys fan and we have complete confidence the Dallas Cowboys will bring home another Super Bowl trophy, just like they have the last five years!”
Later that day, Uume, sensing the disbelief in the trailer park, announced free Bud Lite and deep-fat-fried-breaded bacon wrapped sausage for all Dallas fans. Suddenly the trailer park was filled with people dressed in Dez Bryant jerseys and taking bets on the over/under and point spread with Dallas being a 10-point favorite.
When TV promotions for the game suggested the Super Bowl would pit Atlanta, not Dallas, against New England, Uume denounced the lying liberal press. An all Dallas Cowboys fan march was organized and 10 people showed up carrying signs demanding equality for those who believed Dallas was in the Super Bowl. Uume gave an amazing, wonderful, homerun speech to the crowd, which according to his official estimation was 50,000 strong. He said he’s proud his convictions would not be swayed by reality.
“This administration will not be influenced by facts… well maybe alternative facts when they align with my amazing self-image,” he said to “thunderous” applause. PJH