REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: The Emperor’s New Truck
JACKSON HOLE, WY – Politicians and others eager to attach themselves to the new Hog Island mayor, Ndogo Uume, attended his inauguration. The spokesman for the “National Society of Earth is Supported on the Back of a Mongoose” says the occasion was joyous for organizations seeking legitimacy. “America is moving beyond objective facts into an era of subjectivity freedom. It’s an exciting time to be an American!”
The Hoback Junction is Cool Association, the 2+2=22 Organization for Mathematical Freedom, representatives from the Hog Islanders Latté Sippers, as well as Barry Sanders supporters hope to gain validity under the new administration. (Disclosure: This reporter attended as a member of #IWillSpellAndPunctuateAsIDamnWell
As part of the inauguration festivities Uume showed off his new Chevy Silverado 3500 HD. Tragically, the car dealer told him the new Silverado looked exactly like a 1987 Yugo GV. Uume had several of his cabinet appointees push the car, err I mean, new Chevy Silverado 3500 HD into the middle of the trailer park for the inauguration ceremony.
Governor Matt Mead, on hand for the truck unveiling, stared incredulously at Uume’s Yugo, err I mean, truck, gritted his teeth and visibly struggled to align his core values with political reality. “That’s a huge truck,” he told Uume, who smiled and called Mead, “a great American, terrific, incredible, amazing person.”
When asked why someone who grew up on a Wyoming ranch would consider a Yugo a truck, Mead explained, “The word ‘truck’ means different things to different people. Uume has received support from angry voters that want their Honda Accords and Subarus to be considered trucks and it’s time their voices were heard.”
State Rep. Marti Halverson was in attendance and said politicians have always engaged in “verbiage designed to rally voters,” thereby clarifying for the ignorant masses that lies told by politicians do not cross the threshold of violating the ninth commandment.
“Truck, car, what does it matter,” she said. “The important thing is winning!” When shown the mayor’s new… truck, she exclaimed, “Oh my!! That is big!”
Uume smiled and called Halverson, “a great American, terrific, incredible, amazing person.”
Congressperson Liz Cheney was also on hand. “Liberals are trying to tell us what is or isn’t a truck,” she sneered. “Well, under the Uume administration we are applying common sense truth. A Yugo can be a truck and I can be a Wyoming native.” She glanced at her watch and muttered, “Can’t wait for my flight back to Virginia.”
When Cheney saw the mayors new… truck, she exclaimed, “My that’s yuge!” while winking at Uume, apparently forgetting the mayor’s taste in blonds is the young model type.
Uume cringed in response but called Cheney, “a great American, terrific, incredible, amazing person.”
Everything was fine until a mechanic named Dave, knowable of cars and indifferent to political correctness said, “But it’s a Yugo!”
The crowd exploded, Uume’s face turned red in rage and the mechanic was arrested, held down and sushiboarded until he yelled, “OK, it’s a huge truck!”
Uume smiled and called the mechanic, “a great American, terrific, incredible, amazing person.” PJH