REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: A Classy Christmas

By on December 20, 2016

A Classy Christmas

Twas the night
Before Christmas
When all through the trailer
The girls were drinking
Shots as if sailors

Alice’s stockings were silk
Black and lacy
Her skirt rode high
It was really quite racy

Susie was passed out
Slumped in the chair
Healthy Being Juice and vodka
Had put her there

Then there arose a clatter
It was the kind of noise
Made by a fat man
With a bag full of toys.

Away to the door
I flew like a flash
Ran on the porch
Stepped over the trash

“Welcome back Santa,” I said
With a smile
“I have cold beer and chicks
So stay for a while.”

“Don’t mind if I do,”
He said, his wandering eye
Stopping when it found
Alice’s exposed thigh

He blew his nose
Popped open a Bud Lite
Sat on the couch
Snuggled to Alice quite tight.

“Have you been good?”
He asked with a grin.
“But you might get a better
Gift if you sin.”

Alice looked him over
“I can be good or bad
For the right gift
I can surely be had.”

She kissed his cheek
“I want to be clear,” she said
“I’m talking cars or condos
Not candy reindeer!”

Santa said, “I’ll forget
This Christmas Eve chore,
Spoiled brats in the Pines
Are really a bore.

Fly away with me now
Let’s spend a passionate week
Where it’s sunny and warm:
My time-share on South Beach.”

Alice agreed, “Giving free gifts
Just makes you a commie
If kids want a train set
They should ask their mommy.”

I stopped them right there
“Santa,” I said, “You are Saint Nick
Kids are counting on you
So don’t be a dick!”

Alice kicked me hard
“Don’t ruin my fun
I could use a week
On a beach in the sun.”

I asked, “What about others,
About Hog Island kids?
About those in Alpine and Victor
And even in Driggs?”

“There are families who
Don’t have a butler and maid
And if you abandoned them
They would feel betrayed.”

Santa teared up
Alice shook her head
“Dam bleeding heart liberal
With reindeer and sled.”

Santa promised, “I’ll be back
As soon as I’m done
Then it’s off to Miami
For booze, drugs and fun!”

Alice said, “OK I’ll
Wait here with Clyde,
Drink some more whiskey
And get totally fried.”

His eyes how they twinkled
His dimples how merry
He looked at me with a frown
Really quite wary

“You have Susie for fun
And juice girls are known to be easy
So hands off Alice,” he said,
“No need to be greedy.”

“Don’t be a downer
Two is better than one
It’s Christmas Eve, Santa
Don’t deny me some fun!”

He got up
And started to go.
He said, “In your stocking
You’ll only get coal!”

He gave me the finger
Placed it alongside his nose
giving a nod
Up the gas furnace vent he rose!

And he yelled at his reindeer
As he flew out of sight
“Kick it in the ass
I have a date tomorrow night!” PJH

Comments

comments


About Clyde Thornhill

You must be logged in to post a comment Login