REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Free Speech Protectors

By on December 13, 2016

Hog Island defends the First Amendment.

JACKSON HOLE, WY – A battle is brewing between Hog Island Mayor-elect Ndogo Uume and community members over civil liberties. The mayor-elect recently tweeted that he favored revoking Hog Island citizenship for anyone caught eating tofu.

His tweet—“Nobody should be allowed to eat tofu. If they do, there must be consequences. Perhaps loss of Hog Island citizenship or year in jail!”—has both liberal and conservative civil libertarians concerned.

The Supreme Court ruled long ago that the trailer park rules do not permit the government to take away Hog Island citizenship against a person’s will.

David D. Cole is a Georgetown University law professor who co-wrote the Supreme Court brief in the 2015 tofu eating case, Hoback Junction v. Natalia Macker. “To me, it is deeply troubling that the person who is going to become the most powerful government official in Hog Island doesn’t understand the first thing about the First Amendment, which is you can’t punish people for expressing dissent,” he said. “As no one eats tofu for its flavor or texture, tofu eaters are plainly expressing dissent, although we are not sure for what they are dissenting.”   

The revoking of citizenship had been addressed by the Hog Island Supreme Court when households owning less than 15 guns were accused of being anti-Second Amendment and threatened with loss of Hog Island citizenship.

Hog Island Chief Justice Hugo L. Black wrote the majority opinion. “The very nature of our free government makes it completely incongruous to have a rule of law under which a group of citizens temporarily in office can deprive another group of citizens of their citizenship,” Black noted.

While most in Hog Island consider eating tofu a vile act, one they personally would never condone, they oppose prosecution against those who do.

“It’s a matter of free-eating,” one resident declared. “As far as I am concerned, no one should be punished unless they eat sushi.”

While burning bacon has long been a crime in Hog Island and sushi eating has been outlawed for years, these prohibitions are considered necessary to maintain the moral fiber of Hog Island as well as the proper texture of fried bacon.

In other election news, Uume did another about-face today. Before the election, he said the voting was rigged and he would not support the outcome unless he won. After he won the Electoral College (in Hog Island, each five trailers or four cousins or three ex-wives make up one electoral vote) he said the vote was fair and everyone in Hog Island should support him.

Now that it is clear he will not win the popular vote (Uume had weak support among women with an eighth grade or higher education and men who drove Ford trucks rather than Chevys) he is claiming voter fraud.

Some have lobbed claims at Uume that he is a hypocrite, a liar, and a pompous ass. In response, the mayor-elect has threatened to use eminent domain to confiscate all Bud Lite owned by his detractors and give it to his supporters. PJH

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