REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Serious Endorsements

By on November 1, 2016

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Susie stopped by my trailer last week with her latest toy purchase from the Xccessories Closet at Ella’s Room. “What candidates are you endorsing in your column?” she asked while I rewired a receptacle for 240 volts. Susie likes power.

“Huh?” I asked. “Endorsing?”

“Every election year politicians try to get endorsements from columnists, movie stars and celebrities. Hillary has Miley Cyrus and Amy Schumer. Trump snagged Mike Tyson and Tila Tequila!”

“Wow!” I said. “Such experts in American democracy! But still, that’s only four votes.”

“No,” she insisted. “Thousands of people follow Schumer and Tila Tequila on Twitter. Politicians love personality endorsements because their followers have nothing better in their life to do than read 140-character message tweets; they feel a personal connection if they vote the same way as the celebrity. Trey Davis already has 10 endorsements from former and present politicians, the wife of a politician and a barber. But as far as I know, nobody local has scored a columnist.”

I knew about the barber endorsement but said nothing. I was embarrassed to admit that I followed Mike Randall on Twitter.

Later, after EMTs had performed CPR on Susie and transported her to the hospital, I thought about endorsements. I am, after all, one of the 10 most influential columnists in Hog Island. Politicians seeking my praise might take me to Bubba’s for breakfast, buy me beer, maybe even bacon!

I decide to give it a try.

My first stop was Nikki Gill. “An endorsement from Clyde Thornhill, hum…” she said. “Tell you what. I’ll give you a free movie pass to the Teton Theater.”

“But there is no more Teton Theater,” I complained.

“Ok,” she said. “I’ll throw in a large popcorn.”

Greg Epstein offered me a picture of him skiing. “If the column is really complementary, I’ll autograph it,” he said.

Natalia Macker offered to trade a Yale bumper sticker for an endorsement. “No pickup is complete without one,” she said.

Trey Davis was unavailable—he was in Baton Rouge to get a posthumous endorsement from Huey Long.

Sara Flitner offered an hour-long communications consultation, promising insights to coherent communication strategies and pragmatic collaborative problem solving.

“That’s what I’ll do to you if you don’t endorse me!” she threatened.

Pete Muldoon offered me a towel. “It even has a motel name embroidered on it,” he bragged.

Judd Grossman offered to sell me his extra copy of Atlas Shrugged at a 10 percent discount.

“Sell?” I was indignant.

“Yeah, sell. If I gave it to you I would be promoting a People’s States!”

“But I’m endorsing you; I should get something in return!”

“You forget I used to be publisher of The Planet. I know how many people actually read it!”

Liz Cheney offered a “Virginia is for Lovers” fridge magnet and 100,000 dollars. “I’ve got tons of money from East Coast bankers,” she explained.

Now we’re talking!

“How about 150,000 dollars?” I asked, deciding to push the envelope.

“How about just do it or I will have dad waterboard you,” Cheney replied. PJH

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