REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: The Fight Is On

By on October 18, 2016

Race for Hog Island mayor is wrought with scandals.

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Hog Island’s mayoral race is down to two people, and it is turning into an ugly campaign.

Lorna Doon won the August primary with 35 percent of the vote, edging out incumbent Mayor Sandra Flopper with 36 votes on the strength of his “tax the rich so the rest of us can have free bacon” platform.

The two will face off in the general election on Nov. 8 after Doon was declared eligible because of a pardon for criminal activities in his past. Doon was found in possession of more than 50 pounds of bacon with intent to sell and was convicted of felony bacon dealing. He has also been accused of objectifying women, most recently sipping Bud Lite from the bellybutton of a girl from Star Valley. Doon denied those reports. “Star Valley girls are ugly! She was from Victor.” He clarified.

Some women are offended about the beer sipping incident. “A woman’s bellybutton is not a cup to sip Bud Lite from,” one Hoback Junction woman objected. “If you are going to use a woman’s bellybutton as a vessel to hold booze, at least pour Wild Turkey, or a good single-malt scotch in it.”

Flopper accused Doon of having “a history of using his power as a hip person to dominate women.”

Doon blames his indiscretions on a challenging childhood. “I grew up in a poor military family,” he explained. “With hard work, dedication, and having faith in America, I have transformed my deprived childhood into a career as a successful part-time musician.”   

Ladoon’s opponent, Flopper, while claiming to support free bacon in principle, was seen by many as flip-flopping on the issue and bowing to special interests from the Breakfast Cereal Association who fears free bacon will decrease demand for Fruit Loops.

“I support free bacon,” she said in statement. “And I will continue to work on consensus building between the affected parties, such as bacon distributers, as well as consumers. I will move in an advancing direction with pragmatic, collaborative problem-solving with the goal of providing, not only affordable bacon, but free sausage gravy with biscuits.”

Doon questioned Flopper’s sincerity. “Where was she these past two years when our workers needed bacon, when our businesses needed employees who had been fed, when our stoned citizens had late night munchies? If I am elected I will not only make Hog Island hick again, I will also direct the town attorney to investigate Flopper’s deleting of Bud Lite. She belongs in jail!”

Doon was referring to the ongoing controversy surrounding the disappearance of 12 cans of Bud Lite left over from a Hog Island leadership seminar held during stripper night at the Bull Moose Saloon in Alpine. Flopper deleted (drank) the beer, claiming they were personal beers despite assertions from the Hog Island Parks and Rec Department that the beer was classified public property, which statutorily required the Parks and Rec Department to dispose of it. PJH

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