REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Center for Enlightenment

By on September 20, 2016

Finally there’s a place for men to feel the zen.

JACKSON HOLE, WY – With an explosive growth in cool people projected in the greater Hog Island metro region, I have decided to get a step up on the competition and open a yoga studio. The Hog Island Center for Enlightenment will be located in Sally May’s abandoned single wide trailer and will offer a number of invigorating and spiritual classes for all levels and abilities.

All classes will feature a big screen TV, cocktails, snacks, and sweaty, scantily clad females in thought-provoking positions. Monday nights during NFL season will be for men only, as together we seek answers to help us grow as men and dissolve our differences. We will discuss topics such as, what does it mean to be a man? What defines modern masculinity? Why is it wrong for Cam to celebrate a touchdown but not Aaron Rodgers? Can Denver repeat a Super Bowl win? Why are Dallas Cowboy fans such pathetically worthless human beings? Which team has the hottest cheerleaders? There will be betting on point spreads, over/under, money lines, parlays and proposition bets.

Since no women will be present, men will be required to fetch their own beers. We request, out of respect for your fellow practitioners as well as your spiritual evolution, which requires an energetic exchange between giving and receiving, that when you grab a beer, ask if anyone else needs one.

We offer a Vinyasa flow class that links breathe with movement. Not recommended for beginners. In these classes drinking beer from the can is prohibited. We pour (Flow) the beer into a chilled glass while challenging the body and mind by clicking the TV clicker simultaneously in an energetic, dynamic and rigorous flow. We offer modifications while exploring more advanced postures involving chips or salted peanuts.

Maui classes are playful, uplifting and inspiring flow classes that use alcohol to build a strong alignment-based practice. These classes build “tapas” (heat) by having scantily clad females show off various yoga positions and serve cold beer. When the “monkey mind” has finally calmed itself and the internal soul is at peace, we slow it down by offering single malt scotch. As the class progresses and more scotch is consumed, you will notice your mental and emotional state balancing and all will be in harmony. In all Maui classes you will have fun and leave class feeling rejuvenated, strong and tipsy.

Hot 60 is a 60-minute all levels class. This 26 beer series is designed to stretch and warm the muscles, while encouraging the massive consumption of beer to promote hydration while simultaneously sweating it out. A cooler of ice cold beer sits in the front of the room and while everyone practices mindfulness, the instructor helps students move from laying down pose to drinking pose and finally to twist lid and gulp pose. In our world of instant gratification, this class teaches students to wait in a hot room, sometimes for several seconds between beers, and engage in awareness, as some beers come with twist-off tops, some require an opener and others are pop-tops.

Namaste. PJH

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