REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Politicos Mean Business

By on August 31, 2016

Local candidates get serious about important issues at Hog Island forum.

JACKSON HOLE, WY – At a Hog Island question-answer session I chatted with local candidates about complex issues facing our community. I questioned commissioner candidate Nikki Gill, who serves as sales and marketing manager for her family’s Jackson Hole Hereford Ranch. “What exactly does a marketing manager for a small cattle ranch do?” I asked

“We don’t just sell cows,” she explained, “we sell hats too. Baseball caps with our logo for only 24 dollars!”

Commissioner candidate Greg Epstein, head of production for Teton Gravity Research, spoke up. “We have a hat for $29.95 that has Teton Gravity Research’s logo, not some silly cow brand. Check out the bagel shop; see what the cool people are wearing.”

“Not so!” exclaimed Ms. Gill. “Locals consider Teton Gravity Research hats a proletariat expression that denotes insecurity while attempting to project a hip image. Wearers of our hats are of independent mind and not concerned with opinions from the unwashed masses.”

Natalia Macker, commissioner candidate, spoke up. “I graduated cum laude from Yale yet you don’t see me wearing a Yale hat to show everyone I went to Yale, an expensive Ivy League college. I rarely mention Yale at all except when the subject that I went to Yale comes up—I mention Yale then, but that’s the only time I mention Yale.”

Incumbent mayor Sarah Flitner said, “I don’t wear a hat because logos imply favoritism that could destroy consensus building while moving forward in a positive uplifting direction with a coherent communication strategy involving messaging and pragmatic collaborative problem solving while aligning mission, purpose, transparency, authenticity, substance, pragmatism, and collaboration that leverages analysis and empowers communication with a comprehensive situation assessment, issues identification, mission alignment, and execution strategy.”

“Hats should be free for everyone,” retorted mayoral candidate Pete Muldoon, “and we should tax rich bastards to pay for them. And beer too! And pizza!”

Judd Grossman said he would never wear a hat because baldness is a sign of fertility among the Jewish people. “If your head was as beautiful as mine you wouldn’t cover it up either,” he said.

Liz Cheney condemned commissioner candidate Trey Davis for having an LSU Tigers hat as she proudly showed off her Wyoming Cowboys hat. “I’m just like a native after all,” she bragged. “I’m going to watch the Cowboys home opener in Cheyenne.

Cheney continued, “I pointed out that the University of Wyoming is actually in Laramie… well, that’s what the girl who sold me my fishing license said.”

But she didn’t stop there. “I have a question for Ryan Greene, the Democratic nominee for Wyoming’s lone house seat: As someone with a pro energy stance who was a pipe welder and is now operations director at Greene’s Energy Services—someone who actually knows something about the Wyoming energy industry—why don’t you run as a Republican?”

Mr. Greene said, “If I did that I might win and have to move to Washington DC. Liz moved here to run for office. She can’t wait to get back to Virginia. Let her have it. I’d rather run as a Democrat and live in Wyoming!” PJH

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