REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Brothers Grimm in Hog Island

By on August 23, 2016

Snow White survives the Seven Rednecks.

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Once upon a time in a land called Teton Pines, an evil realtor named Grimhilde stood before her mirror and asked, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the most unique, one-of-a-kind, original, spectacular, exceptional listings of all?”

The mirror could not tell a lie, which is why it never made it in the real estate business. “My realtor, you have outstanding listings it’s true. But Snow White has a thousand times more than you.”

“Snow White!” she said with disgust. “I will show her!”

Grimhilde found Snow White at the Grand Teton Music Wine Auction, snuggling up with a hedge fund manager in an attempt to score a hat trick, listing his 10 million dollar Three Creek estate, selling him a new 20 million dollar Bar BC legacy property, and a referral to a realtor in New York for a Manhattan town home.   

“Try this wine,” Grimhilde told Snow White. “It was flown in from France in a private jet and 10 percent of the sale will go to help starving children in Sudan.”

Snow White took a sip, the world spun, and she woke up in a singlewide trailer house in Hog Island surrounded by seven rednecks.

“Get me a beer,” one of them said to her.

“Cook me up some biscuits,” another said.

“You don’t understand,” she said. “I graduated cum laude from Yale.”

“Oh,” one said. “I didn’t know. Come here and I’ll show you how to turn on an oven.”

Tragically, Grimhilde heard Snow White was still alive. Enraged, she made a poisoned sushi roll complete with sustainably harvested yellow fin tuna and tamari sauce. Disguised as a Wilson Mom needing help after her Mercedes stalled, she knocked on the seven rednecks’ trailer. Snow White, who didn’t spend time with Hog Island rednecks for nothing, fixed the car and the evil Grimhilde offered the sushi roll to Snow White for her help. After the first bite, Snow White fell into a deep sleep.

When the rednecks came home and saw Snow White asleep they didn’t know what to do. Finally they decided to use her slumbering body as a door stop so it would be quicker to get into the bathroom after a couple six packs.

One day a corporate CEO stopped by and saw Snow White. Impressed by her beauty and in need of a Jackson mistress when he visited his 10,000-square-foot home for two weeks each summer, he waved an exclusive listing contract over her face and Snow White awakened.

Snow White and the CEO decide to host a cocktail party in the Pines and Grimhilde, unaware that Snow White was awake, stopped by hoping to score a client. Snow White realized what Grimhilde had done and forced her to drink a glass of Oak Leaf Vineyards Merlot. When word got out that Grimhilde drank Wal-Mart wine, no one would list any home with her priced more than half a million. She ended up selling timeshare units in Kansas.

Snow White lived happily ever after, visiting her rednecks whenever she was in physical need. PJH

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