REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Endangered Bud
A consortium threatens the Hog Island beer market.
JACKSON HOLE, WY – As the world’s central bankers meet at Jackson Lake Lodge next week for the 2016 Economic Symposium, there is a monetary crisis occurring right under their noses. I called an emergency meeting of the Hog Island Open Market Committee last Thursday to discuss possible responses to market manipulation and the frenzied fluctuation of the Bud Lite supply.
Typically the Hog Island Open Market Committee meets every other Thursday in Bob Thourtion’s trailer, as he has a double wide, a big screen TV and a young wife who wears revealing clothing. The committee evaluates financial conditions and the two weeks aggregate cost of a six pack. The committee’s goal is to keep Bud Lite prices within established parameters tolerating a 10 percent variation to allow for normal market fluctuations. While the mathematical calculations used are too complex for the proletariat, our basic strategies are to drink as much beer as possible to prevent deflationary forces due to oversupply.
If an increase in supply is needed we send Bob’s wife to Smith’s for a beer run. However, recent speculative actions by a consortium of investors led by Foster Friess have destabilized the market and unprecedented emergency action is required.
It appears Friess has transferred several University of Wyoming students to the area to drink all the Bud Lite they can, and as supplies shrink and prices rise, Friess sold AAA collateralized debt obligations (CDLs). Based on an expectation of increasing Bud Lite prices, Hog Islanders rushed to buy. The consortium made millions but Hog Island investors are finding that the CDLs they considered safe consist of sub-prime brews such as Miller Lite, Busch, Pabst, and other brands that are toxic in the Hog Island area and whose underlining value is unknown. Market panic has reached such proportions that people are hording their supplies of Bud Lite and some households have taken to drinking Coors.
While the panic is mostly localized, there is concern that financial chaos will spread, perhaps as far as Hoback Junction and will affect prices of not only beer, but pizza, ammo, and pickup trucks. As the entire Hog Island economic system is tied to these four variables, there is fear of a major economic meltdown in the entire Hog Island metro area.
Despite some objections from inflation hawks who feared expansionary beeratary policy would cause inflationary pressures on not only beer but on liquid assets like Old Crow Bourbon, the Hog Island Open Market Committee voted in favor of a round of quantitative easing. I called my cousin who worked for Dunlap Distributors, a beer wholesaler, and we ordered a semi-truck load of Bud Lite.
The Bud Lite will be distributed to all members of the trailer park who can produce documentation that shows they are merely illiquid (out of beer), as opposed to being insolvent (out of money). We will provide liquid assets (beer) to those with collateral in trucks or guns, and maybe even collector issues of Playboy, and whose underlining liquid assets have been reduced by market speculation to three six packs of Old Milwaukee. PJH