REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Donald Me For Hog Island

By on July 26, 2016

The mayoral candidate will build a wall to keep Westbankers out and promises to thwart plans for a new elementary school.

JACKSON HOLE, WY – The Hog Island political convention wrapped up this week with Donald Me claiming the nomination for mayor. Mr. Me’s campaign has been controversial since he promised to “put a wall around the Westbank, and to make them pay for it!” He referred to the Westbankers as “sushi eaters, latté sippers and organic juice drinkers who are infiltrating Hog Island and Hoback.”

He pointed to Natalia Macker, the county commissioner from Hoback who is an artistic director, Democrat, and a college graduate as an example of what can happen if we let our guard down. “Even as I speak some in Hog Island don’t own a pickup,” he said. “Others have 10 or fewer guns and think they are armed!”

Mr. Me has claimed to be rich and, according to Forbes, he owns his doublewide out right. However, several collection agencies claim he is behind on payments for his 2016 Chevy one ton Silverado and a credit card bill for his last trip to Vegas. Mr. Me was also involved in a partnership that lost thousands in the subprime mobile home market and a strip bar that went tits up.

Me’s undisciplined style of campaigning has excited a base that feels threatened by the growth of the Internet, restaurants offering small plates, bubbly coffee and most of all, a new elementary school at Hog Island.

“An elementary school in Hog Island,” Mr. Me raged in one speech. “That’s ah, well,” he stopped and counted on his fingers and did some mental calculations, “first through fifth grade. That’s eight years too many of elitist learning.”

The first night of the convention Me’s wife spoke to an excited crowd. Ms. Me, a former stripper from Brazil, brought the crowd to its feet when she did a strip routine to Copperhead Road and chants of “Make Hog Island Hick Again” filled the arena.

She then enchanted the crowd with a speech peppered with inspiring and original expressions such as, “We have nothing to fear except fear itself,” and “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country,” and “Four score and seven years ago.”

Speaker after speaker took aim at Ms. Citation, Mr. Me’s likely opponent in the general election. They criticized her use of a private email to contact foreign nations such as Wilson and Teton Pines and made acusations that she engaged in secret negotiations about providing a consistent supply of nannies and landscapers at a discounted price. Mr. Me has ridiculed Ms. Citation because she lives in a single wide and drives a Ford instead of a Chevy. “What a loser,” he Tweeted. “Ford backwards means Driver Returns On Foot!”

In his acceptance speech, Mr. Me used technical policy terminology such as, “special, unbelievable, incredible, great, and strong,” to describe himself and “stupid, dumb, wrong, and bad” to describe Ms. Citation.

It promises to be an exciting general election with critical issues, such as who had the most affairs, beer brand preference, and preferred caliber of elk rifle being the hottest issue. PJH

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