REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Yoga Assana

By on May 31, 2016

From downward dog to upward fog, it’s game on.

160601RedneckJACKSON HOLE, WY – Susie stopped by my trailer last week. She brought over several bottles of expired Thrive, a cold pressed juice form Healthy Being Juicery. Thrive is a combination of spinach, cucumber, parsley, celery, garlic, kale, ginger, lemon, and cayenne—no sugar, no fizz, no alcohol. I could hardly wait.

“Employees get first dibs on expired juices!” she exclaimed.

Susie’s always up for some fun so instead of dumping the offensive liquid down the sink, an action that could dampen the romantic mood, I walked to the window and exclaimed, “Is that an endangered red-footed wallow-beaked sparrow?”

While Susie ran to look out the window, I poured a shot of bourbon in the juice, a forlorn attempt to make it palatable. It seemed a shame to waste good whiskey but Susie generally wears black lace underneath and sometimes you have to make tradeoffs.

“I don’t see it,” she said.

“I guess it was just a raven,” I said.

“I’ve had a wonderful week!” Susie exclaimed. She began a monolog exploring the highlights of the last few days.

Using a seduction technique I learned from a couple’s counselor I once had a fling with, I wore an interested expression, stared passed her left ear, smiled, nodded from time to time, and thought about beer and pizza.

“…And to top it all off I had a full three-day pass for the USA Yoga National Asana Championships! It was wonderful.”

She finally finished 15 minutes later when I was on my third imaginary six-pack and had only one piece of make-believe large bacon-sausage with extra cheese pizza left.

“Yoga Championships?” I questioned. “Isn’t yoga supposed to be focused on acceptance, harmony, oneness, enlightenment and non-judgment? A spiritual practice to heal yourself physically and spiritually from the inside out, and to not encourage the ego through rivalry?”

“It is,” Susie insisted. “It’s non-competitive competition, non-judgmental and supportive. The winners aren’t really the winners, they just happen to beat everyone.”

If yoga can have competitions then it was time for Hog Island to sponsor some competitive games. After a full 10 minutes of negotiating over the phone, and a few bribes of beer, I am proud to announce that Hog Island won the bid to hold the USA National Gas Passing Championship.

Representing more than 34 states and more than 130 trailer parks, regional competitors will arrive in Hog Island this weekend to compete for the National Championship.

Local competitors are excited to see how they stack up against some of the finest flatulencers in the region, including the feared Meger the Hated Deflater from Wamsutter Junction. Local husband and wife team Billy and Betty Boomer from Hoback are psyched for the competition.

“Were serious,” claimed Ms. Boomer, who, along with her husband, intends to feast not only on beans, but deviled eggs and broccoli in the hours before the competition.

Tragically, last year’s champion from Maine, Bob the Bangor Blaster, will not be attending as he was burned by an explosion during the regional competition when someone lit a cigarette in the non-smoking competitor’s area. PJH

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