REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Origin of Hipness

By on May 17, 2016

Exploring Darwin’s lesser known theory: Survival of the fitness.

160518RedneckJACKSON HOLE, WY – For centuries, scientists, philosophers, and theologians have struggled to answer the basic questions that plagued mankind since creation: Why are we here? Where did we come from? Will the Bronco’s repeat, and what will they do for a quarterback?

Biologists are in agreement that life began in the oceans. Recent scholars suggest that millions of years ago, somewhere, perhaps in what is present day Georgia, someone cooked up some barbeque. After millions of years of sushi and seaweed, the aroma was too much to resist and people left the water to eat pork ribs and brisket. After a while it began to rain so people moved into caves. Sensing opportunity, the first Sotheby’s Realty set up shop at the base of cliffs offering convenient locations to mammoth migrations and the best of rustic luxury cave dwelling with exceptional, unique, one-of-a-kind spectacular views.

Modern evolutionary biology was created during the journey of the HMS Beagle, which sailed out of Colter Bay with an unknown Church of England minister named Charles Darwin. After a tumultuousness crossing of Jackson Lake, the ship headed down the Snake River unaware it was about to change the way people perceive themselves and the world.

The Beagle sailed past John Dodge, Wilderness and other outstanding properties, as well as several estates and at least one legacy parcel. Accompanying overland exploration parties, Darwin experienced Sudachi Sushi and the Wilson Bagel Shop and, as recorded in his famous “Origin of Hipness,” engaged in actual conversations with some of the indigenous population (recently relocated from New York) on the subjects of wine, nannies, and the environment.

While Darwin was impressed with the level of sophistication displayed by Westbankers, as he named the inhabitants of the area, his vision of natural selection didn’t consolidate until he sailed downstream, past Hog Island, Hoback Junction and, finally, Star Valley. The further downstream Darwin traveled the more primitive the life forms became. “It is apparent,” he wrote, “that the higher life forms in the Westbank evolved from Hog Island residents who drink Bud Lite and drive pickups.”

The Darwinian Theory, as it became known, immediately met with controversy. Realizing they were evolving upward, Hog Islanders began demanding bike paths, while Hobackers insisted their bridge get finished. In Star Valley, they briefly considered installing actual classrooms for high school education instead of just having a football field. But nowhere was the controversy more ferocious than on the Westbank.

Westbankers were offended and many feared real estate prices would drop. In the famous Aspens Hog Trial, a Wilson teacher was removed from subsidized housing after she taught the theory to her class. Even in The Pines, where bored housewives have enjoyed the pleasure of beer bellied Hog Islanders for years, there was disgust. The words of one Wilson mom seem to sum up the Westbank attitude.

“My dear, descended from the Hog Islanders! Let us hope it is not true,” she wrote, but if it is, let us pray that it will not become generally known.” PJH

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