REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Higher Education, Lower Consummation

By on April 19, 2016

Scientific Merican: Do they make lab coats in camo?

JACKSON HOLE, WY – America needs skilled teachers in the sciences and, as an expert on astrophysics, I am hoping to land a teaching job at the new Hog Island school. Just last month, The Hog Island Journal of Astrophysics named me one of the top 25 physicists in the southern third of the trailer court. (Don’t laugh! Jackson Hole Sotheby’s International Realty recently had a full-page ad bragging about it being in the top 250.).

I have spent a lifetime studying the universe. I have used the affects of gravity to roll start my pickup. I’ve used photons to dry off after getting drunk during the fishing derby and falling into Jackson Lake. And I have examined the stars on numerous occasions long after closing time. (In Hog Island, we call tequila, “oil of the intellectual machine!”)

I am particularly knowledgeable about Newton’s law of universal gravity: Any two bodies in the universe attract each other with a force directly proportional to the product of their masses, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. Let’s say you have a beer belly and a Ford 350. We’re talking some serious mass! Hot chicks, on the other hand, typically drive Subaru’s and, by definition, lack beer bellies.

So the attraction of hot chicks to beer-bellied, truck-driving rednecks is not so much a lack of judgment on the part of the hot chick, but an irresistible natural gravitational movement following the law of universal gravitation. The closer they get, the greater the attraction until the science of physics is replaced by the principles of biology.

A supernova is an astronomical event that occurs during the last evolutionary stages of a star’s life. Its destruction is marked by one final massive explosion. Think of pizza, beer, and chicken wings. In their final evolutionary stages, after being consumed and partially digested, their end is also marked by one final massive explosion, the results of which can force inhabits of surrounding areas to vacate the entire planet, or at least move to the other end of the trailer.

One of astrophysics’ most important questions is, “Where did the universe come from?” The prevailing cosmological model for the universe is the Big Bang theory, which states the entire mass of the universe was compressed to zero volume and then exploded. However, those who carefully scrutinize the facts have their doubts.

“It’s not logical,” said Ben Green, a physicist from Hoback Junction and leading expert on fluid dynamics specializing in Bud Lite. “You can’t compress an aluminum beer can to zero volume, no matter how much you jump on it. So how are you going to get the whole stinking universe to squeeze to the size of a grain of sand? To tell you the truth, I think the universe comes from Wal-Mart. And the way things are going, I think it was made in China!”

I sincerely believe students will leave my classroom with a different and perhaps unique perspective on the universe! PJH

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