GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA: Mattel Envy

By on March 23, 2016

I need to be Barbie; she’s got lots of stuff.

Christima, 1968—Gallopin’ Grandma has  just received a tiny Barbie nightie from her husband. Guess what GG wants to give him? (Photo: gallopin’ grandma)

Christima, 1968—Gallopin’ Grandma has  just received a tiny Barbie nightie from her husband. Guess what GG wants to give him? (Photo: gallopin’ grandma)

JACKSON HOLE, WY – On March 9, 1959, a young lady appeared on the scene. She was 11 inches tall, had a ridiculous figure and lots of clothes. Her name was Barbie and she was named for the manufacturer’s daughter. Now at no time did my mother feel the urge to come up with an Alice Jean (my name) doll and if she had it would have been chubby, pimply, frizzy-haired and wearing Girl Scout oxfords. I’m sure the world of fashion thanks her.

Lately, Barbie has been challenged by evil people who resent that she’s still gorgeous and still has that figure. They claim that she doesn’t look like everyone else and therefore must change. They hate her clothes, her shape, and her popularity. All of the politically correct people act like they weren’t invited to the prom, and they’re still mad because Barbie was.

In 1961, in need of  a boyfriend, Barbie met a guy named Ken at a filming session for a commercial. Ken was actually just another accessory; he has always been rather stiff, of ambiguous gender, and sort of vacuous. Over the years, he has had about 40 occupations which says something about his employability. He seems to be commitment shy as well. About two years ago Barbie and Ken broke up and the rumor was that she had run off with GI Joe or maybe, Ken ran off  with GI Joe. Anyway, they are back together and nobody really knows anything but Barbie…and she’s not talking.

I had figured out that Barbie and Ken are probably about 75 years old because they were teenagers when they appeared. Barbie has progressed with the times; her clothes were always fashion appropriate. When women got jobs, she got jobs. Now that she’s an old lady, maybe she should change.

How about Old Lady Barbie? She comes with press on varicose veins and liver spots. Those perky boobs are around her waist. She is dressed by Wal-Mart, and she comes with removable teeth and an AARP card. I would also like to see Facelift Barbie: send in her head and it comes back with stitch marks, bruises and a tube of Botox. While we’re at it, how about Menopause Barbie? She runs hot and cold, gets all greasy and sweaty, gains weight and has a terrible disposition. She could come with candy hormone replacement therapy and a supply of romance novels. There’s just no end to what we could come up with.

I imagine that Ken is getting long in the tooth, too. He probably has more hair in his nose and ears than on his head, and that Malibu six pack is down around his knees. Add Coke bottle glasses, hearing aids and elastic waist jeans, and it’s no wonder Barbie took off.

The pressure is on now to make Barbie relevant to us. That means no more cute figure. The manufacturer has come up with six new Barbies. There is fat Barbie, a tall and thin Barbie, a who-knows-what-the-hell-is-that Barbie. A little girl said that Barbie was F.A.T. She spelled it out because she didn’t want to hurt Barbie’s feelings. My feelings are certainly hurt because Barbie doesn’t look like me.

Barbie doesn’t have to change. She’s gorgeous, has wonderful clothes, lots of shoes and a plastic boyfriend she can toss in a corner “or back in the closet,” some say, when she’s sick of him. Oh wait, I think I just described a Kardashian. That’s OK, Barbie, you are perfect. PJH

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