REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Wilson Moms vs. The CRIPS

By on March 15, 2016

Who will prevent an outbreak of gang violence on the Westbank?

160316RedneckJACKSON HOLE, WY – I snorted a greeting as Sheriff Whalen walked into my office. The sheriff doesn’t acknowledge me in public, but when he gets his panties in a jam he’s knocking down my door.

“There is going to be a gang war on the Westbank if we don’t stop it,” Whalen said.

I lifted an eyebrow. The only gang I knew of was the CRIPS, (Cool Realtors Increasing Price of Sale), a gang that started in South Central Vail before expanding to Aspen, Park City and more recently, Jackson. They get babes hooked on hot yoga and then, feeding their addiction with promises of a 10-class punch card at Inversion, force them to loiter in tight yoga outfits outside high-end listings, increasing the offering price by up to seven percent.

“Recently a homegrown gang, the Wilson Moms, has butted heads with the CRIPS,” Whalen told me. “They want Realtors to support subsidized housing so they don’t have to pay their nannies as much. To force the issue they hired Hog Islanders to drive their old Chevy trucks around the Pines, which is causing a downward spiral in real estate prices. Now things are getting ugly. Just last week, Elevated Grounds was broken into; all their organic small batch roasted coffee was replaced with Folgers. One outraged resident reported finding a crushed Bud Light can in the same recycle bin as his empty bottle of 2010 Chateau Montelena Cabernet Sauvignon.”

“What’s all this to me?” I asked.

“No one has the power to face the gangs except the Backcountry family. I want you to talk to them; get them to stop to the conflict,” Whalen said.

I gulped. The Backcountry family is run by Andy and Kichan of Wilson Backcountry Sports. They control the fat ski black market and are known for psychopathic violence toward any who steal lines.

“Why would they want to get involved with petty real estate deals?” I asked. “They already control fat skis?”

The sheriff shook his head. “That’s for you to figure out. By the way, I hear Velda got busted for growing pot while volunteering at the vertical greenhouse. I could make things hard on her.”

“Get out,” I said.

The next day I walked into Wilson Backcountry.

“What you want, Thornhill,” Kichan snarled.

“I’m on a goodwill mission. I need the Backcountry family to stop the war between the Wilson Moms and the CRIPS.”

“Ha!” Kichan blurted. “What we care about that?”

“I know what happened between you and Travis Rice on Olympic Bowl,” I said, only half-bluffing.

According to my sources, Kichan tortured Rice with a Black Diamond Vapor 1 Carbon Ski Pole with minimalist foam grip and Soft Touch upper ($149.95 retail) after catching him shooting film without allowing the Backcountry Family to “wet their beak.”

“Ha!” Kichan growled. “The feds knew about it. Since Rice just a snowboarder, no one cared.”

“I could pass the word that what really happened was you were taking snowboard lessons,” I said.

For a second, I saw terror in Kichan’s eyes. “You bastard!” she snorted.

I smiled. “I’m glad you finally understand me.” PJH

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