REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Pilsner, Pickups and Potato Chips

By on February 2, 2016

Man-to-Man coverage of Super Sunday’s Pigskin Classic.

Jackson, WY – It’s time for the Super Bowl! Four hours of drinking, eating, and television, all so we can watch the less-than 12 minutes of action that takes place between snaps of the ball and whistles. (If you think four hours is an excessive amount of time for 12 minutes of action, you should play poker with Bill Swenson when he is explaining to the other players at the table why he should or should not call, raise or fold!)

The time in-between is spent listening to announcers stating bold insights like, “When you get in the red zone you want to come away with points,” or, when a team is on defense and behind late in the game, the announcers will explain with perceptive understanding, “They need to stop them so they can get the ball.” Or my favorite, “They want to stop the run.” Because, let’s face it, if you don’t stop the run, the other team will run all the way to the end zone.

Astute analyses aside, the vast majority of Super Bowl time is spent in commercials for junk food, beer and trucks. Plainly, they are targeting the greater Hog Island/Hoback population! Truck ads involve fit men with facial hair, dirty work clothes, construction sites, farms, and announcers with stern tones. Beer ads feature scantly attired cute females who evidently desire men dressed like yuppies without beer bellies. (Hog Islanders could provide a more authentic face for the truck owning, beer drinking demographic, but my calls to ad agencies have not been returned.) The huge number of ads for the Super Bowl is not an act of greed by the network, but an act of compassion. The more ads, the longer the game, the better the party, and the more time we have before the season is over and we have to start talking to our wives again.

For the novices out there, I have explained jargon used in football.

Suspension: What occurs after a star player rapes, assaults or kills someone. It can affect the team’s chances in the game as the NFL, in an attempt to protect its image, will often punish the player involved in said rape, murder or assault with a one or two game suspension.

Cheater: A Patriots fan.

Pervert: A Dallas Cowboy fan.

Contract: The amount of money a player makes. Jay Cutler makes roughly $18.5 million a year. So, at 16 games, with Cutler playing the six minutes of what the Bears jokingly referred to as offence, he makes $3,211 dollars a second.

Free agent: Someone who doesn’t have a contract. Sam Bradford and Von Miller will be free agents this year. And, as I don’t have an NFL contract, I am a also free agent.

A personal foul is a penalty assessed for grabbing a facemask, a late hit, or coming within six feet of Tom Brady. At a Super Bowl party, a personal foul is passing gas and trying to blame it on someone from Hoback Junction. PJH

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