GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA: Attack of the Cookie Monster

By on December 22, 2015

Store-bought confections are good enough for Santa, and for me.

Galloping Grandma, a few years back (1933), product testing a cake for the bake sale.

Galloping Grandma, a few years back (1933), product testing a cake for the bake sale.

Jackson, WY – I was recently approached by someone who should have known better to take part in a fancy, high society Christmas cookie exchange. I was to appear with four dozen of my very best favorite cookies and exchange them with someone else’s very best favorite cookies. I told the cookie people that I didn’t bake, but maybe I had a couple boxes of Girl Scout cookies around. They were horrified and told me that store-bought cookies were not acceptable. In case you don’t know, “store-bought” is a way of saying that you are too lazy and stupid to do anything yourself. They’re right.

This reminded me of the time in my hometown of Corn Cob, Iowa, that the church ladies from all the churches got together and decided that they would have a big Christmas bazaar with cookies and baked goods and stuff. At the time it sounded like a good idea.  All the churches were to decide what they would like to do to show how they celebrated Christmas. If you know anything about church ladies, it was all downhill after that.

The Episcopalians decided that they would have high tea like the Queen and serve those little cucumber sandwiches. Everyone sniffed and said there was nothing “Christmasy” about that, and they had been watching too much PBS. This opened the door for the Norwegian Lutherans to want to serve lutefisk and lefse, and the German Lutherans to want to serve sauerkraut and sausages. The committee gagged and proclaimed that there was to be boiled fish and no sauerkraut, nothing smelly and disgusting

Worst was to come when the little Slovenian ladies wanted to serve their very favorite: a roasted pig head decorated with candy, or they could just serve it boiled. It made a great centerpiece. The decree came down, no centerpieces made of animal parts.

If that wasn’t enough, the Swedish Lutherans announced that they were going to celebrate St. Lucia’s Day. On Christmas day, the oldest girl in the family dresses as St. Lucia in a white dress and serves the family cookies and coffee. She also wears a crown of burning candles. The Swedes were told that there was to be no flammable heads and to tell Lucy to stay home. This infuriated the local madrigal singers who were going to sing carols and then light a plum pudding that had been soaked in brandy. They forgot that the last time they tried this, the pudding exploded and they were picking raisins out of everything for weeks.

To top everything off, Mimsy Mingle, the queen of the vegan-no-gluten-no-taste crowd, insisted that she should be able to show off her goodies made of boiled kale and ground burlap, or something like that.She even had a chocolate cake made out of cauliflower. The committee stuck her in the corner with the Episcopalians and their cucumber sandwiches.

I guess everyone survived the bazaar, but someone’s dog ate all the Swedish cookies and the First Baptists ran over the Second Baptist’s cake display in the parking lot. I even heard that someone was selling snickerdoodle cookies frosted with four-letter words, but it was just a rumor, I think.

I’m going to skip the cookie thing and just sit home with my Thin Mints and Samoas and watch something cheesy on TV. I’m sure Santa never complained about store-bought cookies and neither will I. Those ladies are nuts. PJH

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