REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: God-given guns

By on August 4, 2015

Constitution, Creator have granted us concealed carry

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Jackson, WY – Alice, my Republican lover, came by my trailer last night all excited. “Guess what?” she exclaimed.

“Your bondage and domination tendencies have evolved and now you’re the one who wants to be dominated?” I asked hopefully, my back still aching from the new whip she bought at Ella’s Room.

“Of course not, silly,” she laughed while waving a newspaper. “The News&Guide is running a column called ‘Cowboy Common Sense’ and it confirms that you are, and I quote, ‘trustworthy,’ a ‘good guy’ and ‘a capable citizen,’ all because you carry a concealed gun. I’m so proud of you.”

My chest swelled. And to think I was just trying to protect myself if a jealous Teton Pines husband tried to run me down with a golf cart or Escalade.

“According to the article,” Alice continued, “the Constitution says you have a God-given right to defend yourself with a firearm.”

I puffed up even more – maybe I’ll qualify for a citizenship award from the Jackson Hole Chamber of Commerce!

“Did the column say if the Constitution gave me the God-given right or did God give me the right and the Constitution is providing biblical interpretation, sort of like a patriotic biblical commentary?” I asked. I needed to know in case I was called on to give a citizenship award acceptance speech.

“Well,” Alice said sounding a bit contrite. “The Constitution doesn’t actually mention God-given rights. In fact, the Constitution does not mention God at all. It only acknowledges ‘We the People’ as its source.”

Alice must have seen my confused expression so she explained. “The Constitution was adopted in 1788 and the first ten amendments, known as the Bill of Rights, were added in 1791,” she said. “Self-defense was obviously one of the reasons for the Second Amendment, but the major force behind it was the hope that an armed citizenry would prevent tyranny. While God is not referenced in either document, no modern columnists would allow such a minute detail to interfere with creativite expression, especially if they hope to get syndicated.”

I almost dozed off. Nothing bores a columnist more than facts. And while Constitutional questions of personal freedom, civic responsibility and God makes good copy, I don’t want to have to read it. It’s four pages long.

“Forget the Constitution,” I said. “What about God?” I asked hoping for a simple answer.

“God supports self-defense,” she assured me. “In Matthew 5:39, Jesus is misquoted as saying,If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.’ However, recent Biblical scholarship sponsored by the Heritage Foundation has suggested that what Jesus really said is, ‘If anyone slaps you on the left cheek, then shoot him.’” And, ‘If anyone would take your tunic, trade your cloak for a .44 Magnum and shoot him.’”

“Just like Dirty Harry,” I exclaimed. “I understand now.”

Alice pulled out her whip. “Good,” she said. “Now make my day, punk.” PJH

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