REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Endangered species gets protection

By on July 15, 2015

Wealthy areas to enjoy ‘diversity’ with redneck reintroduction

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Jackson Hole, Wyoming – Save Historical Jackson Hole has filed a lawsuit in federal court to enforce the Endangered Species Act and the reintroduction of rednecks to the Westbank. The organization claims that gentrification has unbalanced the ecosystem recovery area.

“Research from historic ‘Circling the Square’ columns by Echo Taylor shows that the proliferation of investment bankers, trust funders and other high food chain populations has forced out indigenous, unenlightened species and is compromising the study area’s rich ecological biodiversity,” said Armond Acri, executive director of Save Historical Jackson Hole. “Trailer parks and other critical redneck habitat have been destroyed to make room for golf courses, real-estate offices and latté shops. You can hardly find an empty beer can or ammo casing anywhere. And when was the last time you saw bullet holes in a traffic sign in the Pines?”

Citing a $300,000 study by a Los Angeles consulting firm specializing in urban ecology and greenways planning, as the number of cool people increases and the number of rednecks decreases, more pressure is placed on other species. According to the study, the population of Blue Heelers has taken a dramatic hit while the amount of yellow labs has reached unsustainable levels.

Save Historical Jackson Hole’s plan calls for 20 breeding pairs of rednecks to be trapped from indigenous populations in Hog Island and Hoback using box traps baited with Budweiser and large-breasted women. They will be radio collared and released in a new trailer park in the Pines and referred to in scientific papers as the “Westbank Pack.”

“We will use older singlewides in an attempt to create a realistic environment and are seeking cooperation with local landowners to provide a migration corridor to Alpine for stripper night,” Acri explained.

Some community members see economic benefits from reintroduction.

“It will give the area European flare,” claimed Christina Grey of Sotheby’s Realty. “People will actually be able to see the peasants, and perhaps even interact with them. Those looking for $10 million second homes often seek the exotic.”

Other Westbankers also support reintroduction efforts. Elevated Grounds has agreed to add Farmers Brothers Coffee to its “enlightened beverage and Gluten-free frappes” section. The lounge at the Pines Clubhouse will carry Budweiser in cans and offer happy hour with “big plates” to redneck customers. (A bar that advertises happy hour with “small plates?” These guys do need some Hog Island influence.) Thursdays will be “trashy barmaid night” in which the servers wear short skirts, small tops, lots of makeup and engage in exaggerated hip swinging.

While progressives are excited about reintroduction and bored Westbank housewives are positively ecstatic, there have been some negative comments. Alistair Harrison III, a homeowner in the Pines questioned Save Historical Jackson Hole’s numbers.

“Twenty breeding pairs of rednecks?” he said. “In two generations they’ll outnumber bankers.” A compromise is in the process of being worked out between Save Historical Jackson Hole and entrenched locals on the number of rednecks needed to maintain a genetically diverse population, but some locals scoff at the very idea.

“Why do they need to maintain a genetically diverse population?” Harrison demanded. “They have no genetic diversity to begin with.” 

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About Clyde Thornhill

4 Comments

  1. Sonja Sharkey

    July 15, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    We laughed so hard. Clyde you wrote a
    masterpiece. You are smart and have a quick wit

  2. Jake's Style

    July 15, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Second That.

  3. Roger

    July 16, 2015 at 1:34 am

    This is actually pretty funny. And ironic, because the original backers of Save Historic Jackson are the kinds of wealthy newcomers the piece describes…and people who wanted to close the door to others after they arrived.

  4. dave

    July 26, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    kudos

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