GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA: Dating tribulations

By on July 8, 2015

Online and off-line romance can be tough

Gallopin’ Grandma on a date in Hawaii. It wasn’t the worst date she’s ever had and he wasn’t bad kisser, either.

Gallopin’ Grandma on a date in Hawaii. It wasn’t the worst date she’s ever had and he wasn’t a bad kisser, either.

Birds do it, bees do it and I bet you do it, too

Do what, you say? Well, let me tell you a story. Sometime ago, far away in Africa, lived a really cute girl baboon named Bubbles. She was on the cusp of babehood and her mother was afraid that if she didn’t act soon, she’d wind up an old maid. Bubbles caught the eye of Bob, a babe magnet if there ever was one. He had a bright blue nose and the roundest, reddest behind she’d ever seen. Talk about 50 shades of grey, this was 50 shades of red. To make a long story short, they met and fell in love, but he was no good and she wound up back home with a baby baboon and a mother who said, she’d told her so.

One of life’s greatest mysteries is what draws lovebirds together. Even germs, microbes, atoms and parasites seem to find something to date or at least divide with. Even if I was a corpuscle, I could find true love. Cells seem to be able to do it without Tinder or Grindr.

Every spring a herd of geese congregates under my bedroom window, honking, carrying on and trying to kill each other. Since all geese look alike I have no idea how they sort things out. Eventually baby geese appear, so someone must know something. I can’t tell them apart so how do they know? Do they just guess?

A friend of mine had a boy raven named Bud. She had him for years and then one day, Bud laid an egg. Unless he was Caitlyn Jenner, he must have been a she all along. Did Bud know he was really Budena? Maybe he was as surprised as everyone else.

You’d think that with all the people around, meeting someone would be easy, but apparently not. My friend, LaWanda, back in my hometown of Corn Cob, Iowa, has had nothing but bad luck. She went on a singles cruise and all she got was sea sickness and stomach flu. She tried speed dating, but she might as well have speed dated through the “Star Wars” bar and that probably would have been better. Someone suggested she try online dating. She tried Christian Mingle, but no Christian wanted to mingle. She tried EHarmony, but got only sour notes. She even tried JDate, but Jewish mammas don’t want their boys dating shiksas, especially her. She was thinking of listing herself on EBay, but that might be illegal and her mother is threatening to put signs along the highway.

I met my husband in college at a political meeting. One night he called up my roommate but she wasn’t home, so having no pride, I went out with him. He asked me out again, but failed to show up. And then he took some really dumb looking girl to the homecoming dance. Did I fail to get a clue? Apparently so. Many years later he is still around and if he wants me to forgive him for being a jerk, that’s not going to happen. After 63 years, I am still waiting for him to apologize, but that’s probably not going to happen either.

Meanwhile, I have learned that LaWanda has finally met someone. She went to the Norwegian Club to dance to her favorite polka band, The Six Fat Norske Boys, and she ran off with the tuba player. He’s fat, bald, 50 and still lives with his mother, but she is hoping for the best. That’s all anyone can do, no matter who she is.

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