REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Holding accused in Inflategate

By on May 27, 2015

Soroptimist of Jackson Hole is appealing a decision from the NFL (National Falsie League) to punish the local charity for overinflation of falsies. According to Commissioner Rogene Goodell, falsies were inflated beyond the allowed 12.5 to 13.5 pounds per square inch (PSI) during the recent Bras For a Cause event at the Cowboy Bar.

According to a report issued after a three-week-long investigation, event chair AJ Holding was “more probable than not at least generally aware” of plans to inflate falsies in an attempt to increase bidding.

Holding has refused to turn over cell phone records despite her promises of cooperation. However, text messages seized by the Jackson Police Department from Kim McNally, the locker room assistant, and Johanna Jastremski, equipment staffer, referred to as “the inflator,” showed that they were in contact with Holding at various times during the event.

One text said: “Pump ‘em up, girls!” Holding insists she was texting about a flat tire she had on her car.

There seems no question that overinflation occurred as tests showed 11 out of 12 falsies were inflated to nearly 15 PSI. The question is: Who was responsible and who knew what, when? It seems unlikely that the Cowboy Bar was involved. They had nothing to gain with increased breast size as the event was already sold out. While the Cowboy denies any involvement or any knowledge of over-inflation, many suspect the bar of allowing the pressured air for tap beer dispensing to be used to pressurize the falsies.

“It is not possible to get 15 PSI with a hand pump,” breast expert Jessica Simpson said while a guest on the Oprah show.

Some question the seriousness of the offense and whether overinflation is widespread. Dolly Parton issued a statement claiming that in the old days performers often engaged in inflation as a way to increase viewer interest.

“Just because it’s a big deal doesn’t make it a big deal,” she said.

The inflation issue came to light when members of Bare Necessities, an Eastern Idaho company that offers strippers to the Jackson area, complained to the NFL that Bras For a Cause was obtaining an unfair competitive advantage.

“It’s time to level the playing field, so to speak,” complained Thalia, a stripper for Bare Necessities. “If they want to change their look they can do it like we do, naturally, with implants and plastic surgery.”

Meantime, organizers of Bras For a Cause are defending themselves and proclaiming their innocence.

“The difference in air pressure on the falsies could be explained by atmospheric conditions,” Holding claimed. “This whole accusation is based on jealously due to our organization’s success over the years.”

It is clear that an independent investigator is needed to examine all falsities, bras and breasts involved. My strong commitment to civic duty compels me to volunteer.

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