REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Detective Thornhill on the greens

By on April 29, 2015

RNJackson Hole, Wyoming – I looked up from the paper as Sheriff Whalen walked into my office. Hes hated my guts ever since I busted a smuggling ring that was trafficking pure wasabi in false bottom snowboards, cutting it with horseradish and selling it to street contacts with connections to sushi shops. Zimmer looked the other way and in return got kickbacks of sustainably-harvested bluefin tuna. I exposed the swindle when a Nikai customer hired me to look into an unpleasant experience with a salmon cucumber roll topped with spicy scallops and Thai coconut. Zimmer lost his sweet deal with the bluefin and Whalen tries his best to make my life miserable.

We got a problem, he tells me. Fat Ski Sammy Gambino has teamed up with Lucky’s.

He doesn’t need to say anything else. Whole Grocer has paid off the Banono clan for years. Benny Big Bagel Banono supplies Hog Island rednecks to bored Teton Pines housewives. In return he demands they shop at Whole Grocer, giving the store a chic, upscale A-list clientele base that blends nicely with the chic, upscale A-list prices. Now with Lucky’s in the game it seems Sammy wants a piece of the action.

Sammy controls the valleys supply of Namaste bumper stickers. One word from Sammy and local yoga instructors will be lined up to buy their Moroccan Chamomile essential oil at Luckys faster than you can say, Downward dog. It would be yoga instructors against Pines housewives. People wont know which store is the coolest to see and be seen in while shopping and the streets will run red with organic beet juice.

Sammy’s gang hangs out at a dive called Healthy Being Juicery. I stop by. Hes in the corner pounding turmeric tonic shots with cardamom and Himalayan salt with a scantly-attired blonde vegan hovering around him hoping for a fix of kale cucumber juice. Her body is wasted from years of organic juice and a cold thing hits my gut like an ice latt on a hot day.

Pull back the yoga instructors from Lucky’s, I tell Sammy.

What if I don’t? he sneers.

Ill have Mad Dog send his boys at Hoback Nation to shop at Lucky’s, I say.

You cant do that! If the stores filled with Hobackers no one will think Lucky’s is cool and we wont be able to charge as much!

Thats the plan, I snort.

You win this one Thornhill, Sammy says. But Ill be back.

A warm feeling hits me. Kids and families will be able to buy their supplies of organic Chinese cabbage and ginseng without worrying if they’re at the store currently in vogue.

I step up to the juice bar and a dame with curves that would make the Snow King mountain-coaster dizzy asks, What’ll you have?

A cucumber, fennel, kale shot. I say. Make it a double.

I’m off in an hour, she says. Want to buy me a celery, ginger and coconut water after work?
Sure, doll, I say. And then night falls and the town is at peace, at least for now.

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