REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Enhanced streams and legacy properties

By on April 7, 2015

Christina Grey, a Sotheby’s Realtor and my latest inamorata, stopped by my trailer last week.

“Sotheby’s on MSN!” she exclaimed. “There’s a pictorial in its online news showing the most expensive home in Wyoming. And guess what? It’s in Teton County!”

“Is it the Johnson’s?” I asked excitedly. “They just put their ‘98 double-wide up for sale.” Perhaps the high-end market had finally penetrated the greater Hog Island region?

“No, silly,” she said. “It’s at Bar-B-Bar Ranch. A true legacy property! And only $24 and three-quarter million!”

“What’s a legacy property?” I asked. I noticed the term was in vogue in local real estate ads, the expressions “family compound” and “estate” having fallen from favor.

“A legacy property is for those who truly want to embrace the Jackson Hole lifestyle,” she explained. “It’s a property to be handed down through the family, passing on Wyoming’s tax benefits to generations yet unborn!”

“If it’s handed down, how come so much of it is being sold?” I asked, confused.

Christina ignored the question. It wasn’t for nothing she made a fortune in real estate.

“I brought the ad from the News&Guide,” she told me. “So, if you know anyone interested … ?” She winked. “I’ll give you a six pack of Budweiser and two hours of sex slave if you find a buyer and we close within 7 percent of the asking price!”

A six pack of Budweiser? Christina is generous that way.

After she left, I read the ad, visions of a six pack running through my head. The ad offered the typical catalog of descriptive words realtors use: stunning, panoramic, dramatic, tucked gently, (which I suppose is a bit different than the standard “nestled into”), towering, convenient, pristine, abundant, pristine again, refined, finest, amazing, finest again, finely, wonderful, functional, amazing, unmatched, rare and private. (To pass the Wyoming real estate test applicants need to list 30 synonyms of amazing. If they can list 50, they get a broker license.) It also had open meadows, as opposed to meadows void of openings, I suppose.

But, what really put the Bar-B-Bar property into the legacy realm rather than the mere “outstanding opportunity” category was that it had two “enhanced creeks” and a “tranquil trail.”

While the ad didn’t go into detail, I assumed a tranquil trail is like a real trail except it’s more relaxed and laid-back, like it has been smoking pot but without the munchies.

I was intrigued by the concept of two enhanced creeks, though. I am bilingual — I speak both English and Realtor. I know a “seasonal stream” is an irrigation ditch; a pond with waterfalls and a babbling brook that is a naturally occurring phenomenon made possible by backhoes, massive electrical pumps and wells, offering the owner a “natural environment feeling.” But enhanced streams? I know what enhanced breasts are and they also come in twos. If enhanced creeks are anything like enhanced breasts, you should really buy this house. Tell them Clyde sent you. I’ll even share a beer!

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