REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: 50 Shades of Black Silk

By on February 24, 2015

Last week I interviewed Christina Grey for The Planet. Christina is a Sotheby’s realtor who amassed a fortune by selling unique, one-of-a-kind, unmatched, exceptional, distinctive, legacy properties with panoramic, amazing and powerful views.

There was immediate chemistry between us; perhaps it was the low-cut top that allowed forbidden black silk under-things to appear at opportune times; perhaps it was my Levis that only had one rip, or that I had freshly showered the week before.

The next day Christina landed her helicopter on top of my singlewide trailer.

“I was in Hog Island looking for some bailing twine,” she explained. “By the way I know you like literature so I bought you this book.”

It was the unabridged Calvin and Hobbes!

She invited me back to her estate. I debated whether or not I should go with her. While I’ve shared evenings of pleasurable amusement with various Sotheby’s realtors, they tend to be tighter with the beer than those at Christie’s, unless you’re a prospective client. But in an act of selflessness, I finally agreed.

Before we left she warned me, “Clyde I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of girl. You should probably steer clear of me.” She closed her eyes as if in defeat. “But I’m finding it impossible to stay away from you. Maybe it’s your beer belly, the way your eyes are too close together, the way your belch carries the scent of onion and beer.”

We flew to her estate in the Pines, (an estate differs from legacy property by about $10 million) where she pulled out some papers and insisted I sign them before we take the evening’s entertainment any further.

“It’s a non-disclosure agreement forbidding you to discuss anything we do together,” she tells me.

“I can’t do that,” I insisted. “I write a column and my readers have come to expect poorly written stories with ridiculous dialogue and silly plots.”

“A column! Well never mind then. And remember that it’s Christina, with two “i”s and don’t forget to include my number in case someone wants to buy a one-of-a-kind, exceptional, unique, distinctive … ”

“What’s behind this door?” I interrupted as I opened a closet.

It was a huge room full of bondage and dominance toys.

“I love to beat people,” she explained. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Do you allow people to beat you?” I asked. I mean fair is fair.

“Only clients and only then if it closes a sale on a unique one-of-a-kind, unmatched, exceptional, distinctive, legacy property with panoramic, amazing … ”

“Got any Budweiser?” I interrupted again.

She got me a Bud; I cracked the top and took a swig.

“I get a beer for each whack,” I demanded.

“Each three whacks,” she countered. (See what I mean about being tight with the beer?)

I realized then that Christina was wrong for me; we made full eye contact as we parted. Will we get back together? Will true love conquer all? Will I get another free Budweiser? Be sure to check the sequel.

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