REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Seducing with juicing, poetry

By on February 10, 2015
PHOTO CREDIT: dreamstime.com

PHOTO CREDIT: dreamstime.com

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – In an attempt to cure end of football season depression, I headed to Healthy Being Juicery to score some feminine companionship.

For those of us possessing knowledge in the abstract arena of female psychology, it’s obvious that women who hand over $14 for a bottle of cucumber-kale-beet juice are seeking something more in life and are struggling to find it. If such women get satisfaction from turnip drizzle, imagine the joy a Hog Islander, complete with enhanced beer belly and pick-up truck, could provide. (Academic Note: While using scientific methodology to reach a logical conclusion is challenging when dealing with an inherently irrational subject, it can also be rewarding – especially if she has a hot tub.)

The Juicery was abuzz with excitement when I walked in. A lonely woman bravely seeking fulfillment in a tonic with sprouted almonds, Himalayan salt and dates could barely contain her excitement. “Healthy Being Juicery is having an open mic poetry reading!” she exclaimed. “It’s next Friday beginning at 6; anyone can read their work or a work by their favorite poet.”

This was almost too easy. Poetry women are typically lonely, shy, even modest, but even more hungry for adventure than organic juice drinkers. Of course you can’t just show up and expect them to jump in your arms. But if you can expound on your knowledge of poetry it’s like choosing your favorite beer at a brew fest, lots of choices, all of them offering different yet satisfying pleasures.

As a member of the Hog Island intelligentsia, I am of course an expert on poetry. During my first two freshman years of high school, Mrs. Staehr, the freshman English teacher, required us to memorize a poem. I chose William Carlos Williams’ “This is just to say” because it’s short. The poem goes like this: “I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for breakfast / Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold.” That’s the whole poem and it is famous. Now you understand what I mean about poetry chicks needing a night with a redneck.

For those wishing to impress women at the reading I have included a brief synopsis of poetic styles. After all, in Meg Daly’s art column last week she quoted a local librarian, “Poetry matters because as humans our desire is to connect.” How true!

Haiku is ancient Japanese minimalist poetry and is the easiest to write. First pound down some tequila then try to write a cohesive thought and wa-lah, haiku. Sonnets, a more complex form of poetry, were invented by an ugly English teacher as a way to get even with the world. Free verse, a poetry style having no guiding principles, was invented by William Carlos Williams because he couldn’t find anything to rhyme with plums.

The Hog Island poetic tradition is more sophisticated and is synonymous with the multifaceted style of the limerick, first developed by Buddhist Lamas in the holy Tibetan city of Nantucket.

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