REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island joins Wilson Zone

By on January 13, 2015
Wilson, WY, is a state of mind. PHOTO: WYOHISTORY.ORG

Wilson, WY, is a state of mind. PHOTO: WYOHISTORY.ORG

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – Blythe Winters-Paulson, Goldman Sachs vice president of ethics, for whom I serve as a beer-bellied cabana boy, was in town last week. Between our bouts of lust she had her nose in her laptop.

“I’m making a killing on currency markets,” Blythe said. “The collapse in oil prices has triggered huge movements in foreign-exchange markets. The Euro Zone is in turmoil. Lithuania just entered; Greece may leave; Spain may default and Turkey may join. I love it! And doing business with Europeans has such an Old World flare! In the U.S. we use cash to buy politicians but we can gain access to the continent’s finance ministers by buying off their mistresses; it’s so romantic!”

Suddenly I had a thought. Could a Euro Zone style strategy be applied in Hog Island? I had read a Mercedes Huff Associates ad in the News&Guide offering a gorgeous, meticulously maintained, charming dream house that included “wonderful separation of space” located on three picturesque acres in Wilson. What exactly makes the separation of space wonderful was not elucidated.

What caught my eye was that the dream home was only steps away from “restaurant and market amenities in the Aspens and less than five miles from Jackson Hole Mountain Resort.” So the charming dream house in Wilson with the separation of space thing was really in the Aspens or the Pines. Who cares if Turkey enters the Euro zone; I want to get Hog Island to join the Pines and Aspens in the Wilson Zone.

Local realtors insist that Wilson is not a geographic location but a state of mind, a perception of reality based on image. “Implied location can be a driving factor in real estate prices,” wrote Jonathan Schechter in a recent News&Guide economics column. “An expansion of Wilson location through a function of socially and economically driven subjective pretense models can expand reality to fit market demand.” (The News&Guide gets lots of ads from realtors.)

“Blythe!” I exclaimed. “Let’s buy up all the trailers in Hog Island then get Hog Island to join the Wilson Zone. Values of double-wide trailers would increase at a rate approaching subjective pretense levels. We could make a killing!”

Blythe was doubtful. “Hog Island would have to meet Wilson Zone convergence criteria including the required percent of Subarus, bumper stickers, and nannies per capita.”

“You mean they can let Turkey, which happens to be located in Asia, in the Euro Zone, but Hog Island, which I might remind you is on the West Bank of the Snake River same as Wilson, cannot get in the Wilson Zone! Surley there is a Realtor we could bribe or blackmail.”

Blythe got teary eyed. “I love it when you talk like that. Maybe we could find a place at Goldman for you.”

So anyone wanting to buy a charming dream double wide that includes “wonderful separation of space” located on a picturesque trailer space in Wilson, only steps away from the South Park Feedgrounds, give me a call!

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