REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Resolved to drink more

By on December 31, 2014

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – Susie, my Healthy Being Juice girl, stopped by last night. “I have my New Year’s resolution made!” she exclaimed.

“I can’t wait to hear,” I said, showing the animated excitement of a snail on decaf.

“I am going to meditate this year! I’ll begin with a meditation retreat in Maui. There is an enchanted itinerary of guided meditations as well as luxury spa services, eclectic and nourishing gourmet meals, and endless adventure for only $600 per night!”

“Meditation is all about the simple things,” I responded encouragingly.

“Plus Oneness Jackson Hole offers Deeksha meditation classes that transfer energy and shift my brain into higher states of consciousness, which initiates the journey of spiritual awakening!” Suzie continued. “I just can’t wait for the new year so I can become centered and mindful!”

Girls love new year’s resolutions. For them it’s like a personal growth Black Friday shopping spree where everything is returnable after a month of hard use.

Blythe Winters-Paulson, vice president of ethics with Goldman Sachs, was in town over Christmas and she told me her personal resolution for the upcoming year: “I want to take advantage of lowering oil prices to corner the market and then squeeze consumers until they squeal,” she told me.

Alice, my Republican lover, resolved to help pass voter ID laws in Wyoming. “There have been almost six cases of voter fraud in the state,” Alice explained, “ven though they involved felon voters that voter ID laws wouldn’t address.”

Lill, my redneck lover, told me she plans on installing new hooker headers on her Chevy as well as new mud flaps and, if her wages from being a sponsored driver for John Deere allow, maybe a new gun rack.

“So Clyde, what about you?” Susie asked. I knew this question was coming. Girls consider it their divine duty to improve males and the new year is the perfect time. New Year’s was invented by a female who wanted a special day to point out the shortcomings of males and suggest improvement options while not diminishing their rights to do so the other 364 days of the year.

It was a tough question. I drink all the beer I can hold each night; I don’t think I can resolve to drink more. The same goes with eating bacon. I mean, how much more bacon could I eat? I suppose I could be more generous with Utah girls who come to Jackson seeking a fun night with a redneck, but I am getting older.

But if I didn’t come up with something Susie would say I should do yoga or drink organic vegetable juice. Then I had an epiphany: not only will I make a resolution, I will keep it. “I resolve to plan for the future,” I told her.

“Oh Clyde, I’m so proud of you” Susie said. That day, when I went to Hoback Market for my daily 12-pack of Budweiser, I planned for the future and bought a case instead!

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