REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: If you build it, they will drink

By on December 2, 2014

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – The Jackson Town Council’s discussions about a private/public rock gym and coasters on Snow King sparked debate about municipal infrastructure in Hog Island. At the recent Hog Island Urban Renewal Committee meeting, public input was heated over a proposed combination beer pong, strip bar and gun park to be located near the new South Park boat ramp. Another project, the Hog Island Climbing Gym, was also discussed.

“There is no place for gun owners to shoot, drink and watch strippers while playing beer pong,” said Max Chowman, bacon magnate and president of a syndicate that develops beer pong parks across Europe. “We intend an operation Hog Island can be proud of. There will be a selection of highway signs to shoot and a fully stocked bar. The cash flow from beer pong will support strippers from La Barge and, if all goes well, maybe even from Big Piney! It’s critical we approve the park before the public can review the development, as there is some resistance to beer pong amongst the less progressive elements of Hog Island.”

House District 22 Representative and Star Valley resident Marti Halverson, on her annual trip to the Teton County portion of her district, chastised the addition of beer pong to the park.

“Alcohol is a Wyoming tradition and guns are guaranteed by the Second Amendment,” Halverson said. “Strip bars promote heterosexual attraction between men and women who are of the opposite sex, thereby fighting the liberal gay agenda. But this whole pong thing is anti-family, anti-coal, anti-conservative values,” she said. “Beer pong originated in the Godless fraternities of Dartmouth College, an Ivy League school. And we all know what that means!”

“Beer pong is low impact, and no one will be able to see the pong tables from the highway or trailer park,” Chowman countered. “We need to add beer pong to attract the additional investment needed to compete with Wamsutter Junction and Farson for tourist dollars. And we guarantee the pong tables will be installed to industry standards.”

Some members of the public were skeptical. Franz Camenzind said the addition of beer pong to the proposed strip club/gun range was not environmentally sustainable. “Strip bars and gun ranges are indigenous to the Greater Hog Island Ecosystem,” he said. “However, peer-reviewed studies suggest beer pong would be invasive to the area and could spread unchecked, destroying native culture.”

Committee member Jim Stratford stated his concern that intoxicated men with guns should not be allowed to use pingpong balls. “It’s a public safety issue,” he said.

There was less division over the proposed new climbing gym. The planned facility would have steep ramps providing 4-wheel-drive pickup drivers a place to train in winter and summer. The man-made snow also would allow the ramps to be used for snowmachine climbing. “There is no reason to limit seasonal outdoor activities because of the season,” gym promoters said. “After all, we live in Jackson Hole; we deserve it.”

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