Galloping Grandma: Spirits run the valley

By on October 1, 2014

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – Not long ago I thought I was losing my hearing. It felt as if my ears were all plugged up, though I could still hear my husband whining about not being able to find his underwear.

I went to the ear doctor and after he hosed out my ears I could hear again. When I asked him why my ears were plugged up, he informed me that it was because of evil spirits. Evil spirits caused my ears to plug up? “Of course,” he said. “What else?”

Now I know the doctor went to Ear College, and I’m not sure that’s what they teach there, but apparently evil spirits are alive and well and living with me.

My husband is like the Easter Bunny, hiding candy all over the house but hoping we can’t find it and eat it. But we can and we do. I was rummaging through one of his secret hiding spots in the garage, when I managed to fall off the back steps and land on the garage floor. I didn’t break anything, but I had a bruise the size of New Jersey on my rear end for weeks. My daughter said it was karma and I got what I deserved. She was wrong – it was evil sprits that clobbered me. Did I get candy? I got gumdrops and a Payday bar. Was it worth it? Candy is always worth it.

Everyone should realize that inanimate objects could be possessed. On a cold, snowy Jackson day a friend of mine went to the drive-up window at the bank. She dropped that round can you put money in. (I called the bank and asked them what they call that round can and they said they called it “that round can they put money in.’) My friend was a certain age and weight and she had to crawl around on her knees to get the now-possessed can. She touched, it rolled; she reached, it went in circles; she grabbed, it took off. How she got it, I don’t know, but she ruined her knees and tore some buttons of her coat.

Also interesting about this example of evil spirits is that on that cold day all the people behind her in line at the drive-up window also became overcome with evil. They sat in their cars, struck blind and dumb, with their phones glued to their ears. They couldn’t help her because they were paralyzed. And besides, it was too cold.

If you are still unconvinced, let me tell you about a mysterious event in our town. Near my house is a very big hill that has been here for a very long time and one day it decided to do what very big hills sometimes do. It began to slide downhill and things that had been there for years had decided to go elsewhere, like the parking lot across the street.

As you can imagine, there was hollering, screaming, lawyer calling, city council blaming, scapegoat and other types of finger pointing. The cause of the disaster was unknown and even the geologists weren’t sure. Had there been a fire, flood or famine? Was Yellowstone about to blow? Had there been an earthquake? No one knew. But I knew. I just don’t know how my ear doctor knew.

It was evil spirits, of course. They thought it would be fun to shove everything downhill and see what would happen. So, when you are driving past the hill and you find yourself driving through a bank lobby and out the back of a drugstore, don’t be alarmed, just take a right turn at health and beauty aids and exit there. You’ll be back on the road in no time.

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