- FEATURE: Voices of Choice
- THE FOODIE FILES: Spring in a Bowl
- GUEST OPINION: A Big Win for Wolverines
- THEM ON US
- THE BUZZ: Nest Contention
- MUSIC BOX: Double Dub and Keyed-up Piano
- IMBIBE: Dramatic Alto Adige
- CREATIVE PEAKS: In-house and Homemade
- GET OUT: Utah State of Mind
- WELL, THAT HAPPENED: The Swashbuckler
REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Quantitative easing for female liquidity
Jackson Hole, Wyoming – As world bankers meet at Jackson Lake Lodge to discuss minor monetary issues facing the free world, the Hog Island Summit invited board members from the Female Supply Open Market Committee to meet in my single wide for talks designed to address the looming crisis of Jackson’s off-season female shortage.
There was discussion of traditional methods used to keep off-season female companionship within the international established target range. Specifically discussed was the temporary lowering of short term female rates to 3, or even 2, on the 1-10 scale, as opposed to the standard 5 as lower-end dating criteria and adjusting the inverse relationship between female quality gauged in facial cuteness, figure, sexual adventurousness and her ability not to talk all the time vs. per-unit costs gauged in how expensive of wine she drinks. However, such adjustments were judged unfair.
It was agreed that stresses caused by the decrease in GNP (Girls-Naughty and Pretty) needs a robust response. This crisis is intensified markedly due to usury committed by women taking advantage of low female liquidity rates to leverage a simple date into a $150 evening at Nikai. While it was generally agreed that such actions are a response to free market forces, the devastating emotional and financial damage perpetrated on the single male segment of society is unsustainable in the long term. Given the political anti-regulatory climate in the state, legislative remedies would be unlikely to gain traction and nontraditional policy tools are needed.
During roundtable discussions the idea of an expansionary female policy was debated with most in attendance agreeing that quantitative easing would establish confidence in dating markets not only in Hog Island and Hoback, but as far as Wilson and Teton Village. Restaurant critic Geraldine Mishev voiced concerns that local women use off-season to check out various high-end restaurants typically unavailable to them when the female/male ratio is balanced. She feared an influx of females would inflate male value beyond market support; it could even force women to be nice to their guys. She was assured that such imbalance would be unlikely given that current demographics show a clear male deflationary trend and, while short term volatility is not impossible, the strength of underlining market fundamentals suggest the affect on overall male value would be minimal.
By filling empty off-season conference space with poetry and pottery workshops, yoga seminars, and classes on juice cleansing, meditation, and French cheese, the bored-rich-wife-in-desperate need-of-a-night-with-a-redneck demographic will flock to Jackson, increasing local GNP. While Ms. Mishev’s concern that female inflation would lead to cheap dates, such concerns don’t take into account cost differentials between dinner at Maverick and dinner at Nikai. The considerable financial savings available by quantitative easing should override any adverse gastronomical differentials so long as the food cost calculated at the slope of the tangent line remains a constant real-valued function of the taste derivative determined by linear approximation. In other words, those who have dined on Maverick’s cheese stuffed sausages know quality dining does not have to involve excess cost.