GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA: Lowered expectations

By on June 10, 2014
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Grandma shooting at men in Corn Cob, Iowa, circa 1952. CHUCK WEBBER

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – On a cold and misty day many years ago, some Irish monks sailed away in their little boat to see what they could see. They sailed until they came to an island and when they hopped out to look at it they discovered they had not landed on an island but on the back of a whale. I’m sure they were surprised and even interested, but I doubt it was what they had in mind.

I bring this up because I think that “not what they had in mind” is the human condition. We spend our lives looking for a wonderful island when in fact we are hanging on the back of a whale, hoping he won’t submerge or we won’t wind up in his big belly like Jonah and Pinocchio, not that they were there at the same time or had the same decorator. It sure was dark in there, though.

 I thought it might be instructive to point out what people expect and what they actually get, which is not what they deserve. I will start with men because they always want the same thing.

What men want

Who cares what they want. In our day we were supposed to stay home, do it all and be perfect. We heard a lot about the male ego, apparently it was precious and fragile and heaven forbid anything happened to it.

 What men got

Us. When we got tired of being the little cardboard cutout woman, they all panicked.

 What women want

Once upon a time we all went to college to get our Mrs. Degree. You could be a nurse or a teacher, but no one wanted to work after marriage. Why would you want to? Our lives would be perfect if we were married. Boy, were we wrong.

 What women got

Them. And a new set of ideas.

 What you’re going to get

An ode to squashed expectations (to be sung to the tune of the Twelve Days of Christmas)

            12 hip replacements

            11 hemorrhoidectomies

            10 spinal fusions

            9 liver spots

            8 purple veins

            7 cataracts

            6 little blue pills

            5 hammertoes

            4 dental implants

            3 hernias

            2 Metamucil pills

            And a lifetime supply of Depends.

 The whale doesn’t look too bad after this.


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