- THE FOODIE FILES: Centenarian secrets
- THE BUZZ: Teewinot claims two
- REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island economics
- FEATURE: The Center of the Universe
- GUEST OPINION: Five times the feces?
- GET OUT: Ode to Delta
- MUSIC BOX: Euphoria meets Canyon
- THE BUZZ: The Faces of Blair
- WELL, THAT HAPPENED: Trumped up comedy
- MUSIC BOX: Heroes can’t stand still
REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Instagram inspiration
Jackson Hole, Wyoming – Two nights ago, Lill, my redneck girlfriend, came over all distraught. The transmission had gone out in her Chevy one-ton truck and she was forced to borrow her cousin’s Ford. “Can I spend the night, Clyde?” Lill begged. “I can’t go home in a Ford, especially just a half-ton. The neighbors would think I’ve gone all Westbank.”
Why not? I was too broke to spend the night buying drinks for lust-seeking Utah girls. Susie’s husband was in town. Blythe Winters-Paulson, Goldman Sachs vice president of ethics, was in Johannesburg working with an investment group to corner world gold production. And Alice, my Republican lover and public information director for Marti Halverson’s reelection campaign, was in Roswell, New Mexico, seeking proof that Natalia Duncan Macker’s dad is a space alien, thereby disqualifying her to hold state office.
So I took compassion for poor Lill. Unfortunately, desire beset us in the middle of a World Wrestling Association bout and the TV remote was lost in the heat of the moment.
Last night did not go as well. I had become weary of getting up every three minutes to flick through the channels so I opened the News&Guide. Talk about hard up for something to do. The feature article was about a yoga instructor who photographed herself doing a handstand every day for the past year and posted the pictures on Instagram and Facebook, the typical cutting edge, investigative journalism one finds in the News&Guide that keeps us informed of current critical issues and political trends. The handstander said the experience built her confidence and many people were inspired by photos of her daily handstand.
At first I was dismissive. Inspired by photos of handstands? They must be the same people who regularly read the News&Guide. However, as I read the article further I was captivated.
“The biggest emotional lesson I learned was that I am 100 percent responsible for my moods,” she said, presumably while upright.
Really? I am writing my elected representatives to pass a law requiring all women to handstand daily. They can even take a picture if they want. I am also setting up an Old Bill’s-qualified nonprofit to instruct women in handstands. I expect to see massive financial support from men.
Later in the evening, after tequila-aided introspection, I asked myself, “What acts of significance have I ever done?” I set my camera’s timer and got on my hands and knees before kicking up. My feet left the floor, but only rose a few inches before crashing back down. The camera flashed. I tried again and again with similar results.
I realized that I could not build confidence in myself or inspire the masses reading the News&Guide by copying others. I needed an original concept. I cracked open a beer, set the camera and sipped as the flash went off. At that moment, feeling in complete control of my mood, I promised to drink a beer, (well OK, maybe a few beers) every day for a year and post the pictures on the bulletin board at the laundry mat.