- MUSIC BOX: Crescent City Funk Party
- THE BUZZ: Lodging Flip-Flop
- WELL, THAT HAPPENED: Plotting Greatness
- GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA: Summer Visitors
- THEM ON US 6.29.16
- FEATURE: How the West Was One
- Editor’s Note: Xenophobes Need Not Apply
- THE BUZZ: Tenement Tenting
- MUSIC BOX: Wyoming Songwriters Highjacked
- GET OUT: Icy Heat
REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: A propre Wyomning edukation
JACKSON, WYO – Alice, my Republican lover, stopped by my trailer last night.
“I’ve been appointed assistant to the Public Education Information Coordinator by the Governor,” she said. “We assure that the teaching of science in public schools does not conflict with popular culture, our state’s economic interests or Biblical truth as interpreted by likely GOP primary voters. Our goal is having a politically based education system like they do in Saudi Arabia!”
Great, I thought. After I resign from high school they eliminate all the hard classes.
“The first thing we’ll do is pass a law making evolution illegal in Wyoming,” Alice said.
“It already is illegal in Hoback Junction,” I replied, cringing at the idea that the urbane citizens of Hog Island share common ancestry with the Neanderthals on the other side of the bridge.
“Biology education will be based on The Garden of Eden, Kings James Edition,” Alice explained. “Why are you frowning Clyde?”
“The Garden of Eden story has an unhappy ending,” I complained. “Everyone ends up putting on clothes.”
“Geology is a trickier political problem,” Alice admitted. “Since Wyoming’s tax base is dependent on oil, gas and coal, modern geology needs to be tolerated so geologists can find oil, gas and coal. The committee embraces a geology that is both pragmatic and voter based. When dating geological formations in billions of years we simply implement the Republican standard deviation curve and delete the last six zeros, just like we do to the deficit when there is a Republican president. It will bring carbon dating in compliance with the fact that Earth is 6,000 years old, while still allowing exploration by energy companies.”
“What about gravity?” I ask getting excited. “Could we pass a law to prohibit gravity at Wyoming vs. BYU football games when Wyoming has the ball?”
“Local representative Marti Halverson chairs the subcommittee considering doing just that.”
“Can you outlaw grammar?” I asked, getting animated. “Just tell everyone it’s a plot by Obama. Even Democrats would vote for that!”
“We’re considering all options,” Alice said. “Mead is term limited for Governor. To win the Republican Senate primary in 2020 he will need to be politically to the right of Liz, his likely opponent. Wyoming’s common-sense conservatives like Marti can take advantage of the situation and push the GOP beyond its public persona of fiscal conservatism and redefine everything from the origin of species to the creation of the universe.”
“If things get too crazy, wouldn’t that open the door for a Democrat contender?” I asked.
Alice stares at me for a moment before we both break out laughing.
“Speaking of education, let me show you a move I learned at the Louisiana GOP Families Value Conference sponsored by Republicans Vance McAllister and David Vitter. It involves a duck, half twist and lots of spin!”
Alice pops the whip on her leg and leads me to the bedroom. “Time to get cracking,” she said.
“I might go back to school and work on obtaining my high school diploma,” I said.
“That’s what we want,” she said. “A proper Wyoming education for all.”