REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: SPET tax for bagel walkers

By on March 12, 2014

With all the focus on Specific Purpose Excise Tax and the sundry selection of proposed SPET projects, I think it is time to find creative funding mechanisms for truly essential projects. Number one on the list is the addition of a crosswalk on Pearl Street. The proposed crosswalk would be ten feet wide on the north side of the street in front of Pearl Street Bagels’ door then quickly fan out until it covers the whole block by the time it reaches the south side of the street.

Every morning the south side of Pearl Street in front of the Bagel Shop is lined with Subaru’s dressed in bumper stickers proclaiming the vehicle’s owner a hiker, kayaker, skier (further subdivided into backcountry skier or JH lift rider), biker, someone who is tolerant, supporting of the environment and the arts, world peace, or an eater of organic food.

Despite bagel people’s athletic and socially responsible self-image, walking a few feet either way to the existing crosswalk is too strenuous with their bodies exhausted from pasting stickers on their car. Focused on coffee and a cream cheese with lox bagel, and being familiar with Euclid’s theorem stating that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, they cross the street oblivious to oncoming traffic. Those leaving the bagel shop seem energetic, vibrant, happy, holding their steaming $5 latte out to slow traffic and smiling at motorists as if somehow we are all in this together, even those of us who don’t eat bagels, own a Subaru or have a bumper sticker.

To generate revenue for the feasibility study, construction and maintenance of the crosswalk, as well as consulting fees for artistic design. (The cross walk lines will be curved with the apex of the curve pointing toward the sunrise on the spring solstice to express rebirth, environmental awareness and a commitment to gender equality.) I propose a bumper sticker tax. Like income tax it would be progressive with the tax rate increasing several percentages for each additional sticker. Taxes will be doubled for any sticker promoting a political party or candidate, quadrupled for stickers containing small letters that can’t be read even while tailgating, and for environmental stickers on any car that gets less than 30 miles a gallon.

Stupid stickers will be mega-drupled, as in “subvert the dominant paradigm.” Really? The dominant paradigm is watch football, drink beer, and look at pretty girls. What are we suppose to do once the dominant paradigm is subverted? Watch shopping network, drink white wine and look at girls whose form show a commitment to aforementioned straight line Euclidean geometry rather than those who offer  a celebration of modern hyperbolic and elliptic geometry?

Like legalizing marijuana, adding a crosswalk will eliminate illegal activity by making bagel walking legal and thereby freeing law enforcement to crack down on southbound cars going straight while using the “Left Only” lane at Cache and Broadway.


About Clyde Thornhill

One Comment

  1. Nathan Hankins

    March 14, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Clyde Thornhill you are a beautiful and hilarious genius. I’ve never read one of your pieces entirely, but this one brought me unadulterated joy from beginning to end. I specifically approve of the idea of a sliding scale tax based on the amount and ridiculousness of your bumper sticker.

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