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REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Market Manipulation saves juicery
JACKSON, WYO – Susie stopped by my trailer in tears. Dealing with emotionally irrational females (as if there is another kind) can have pleasant side effects if the situation is handled properly.
“Clyde,” she cried. “I’m so upset. Healthy Being Juicery is closing down.”
“Why?” I asked hopefully.
“We can’t afford organic vegetables for juice any more. Someone cornered the market and the price is soaring!” Susie said.
I had meant, “why was she upset?” If the juicery closed, she could get a job at Persephone, and I could snag some free day-olds. However, keeping in mind the pleasant side effects mentioned above, I decided not to correct her.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll take care of everything.”
I called Blythe Winters-Paulson, vice president of ethics for Goldman Sachs, for whom I serve as a perk during her visits to her ninth second home in Teton Pines.
“It’s those bastards at JPMorgan Chase,” she told me. “After the SEC only fined them two weeks revenue for their part in Bernard Madoff’s $65 billion Ponzi scheme, they’re ready for more action.”
“Is that risky or even legal?” I ask.
“Of course it’s legal! What do you think lawyers and super PACs are for? And what’s risky? We manage clients with massive resources, corporations, pension funds and the like so we can position ourselves to trade on our own account and use their money as a hedge. If we do lose, the government will bail us out like Bush did because we’re ‘too big to fail,’” Blythe explained. “Suppose someone loaned you a trillion dollars in Las Vegas, and you could keep everything you won, but you wouldn’t have to pay back what you lost. Would you play the penny slots?”
“No, I’d hit the strip bars”
“You’re so cute,” she purred.
“Healthy Being Juicery is being forced out of business,” I said.
“Sounds like you’re trying to be a hero to one of your girls. Oh well, you need to stay in practice for my trips to Jackson, and besides, if Goldman can buy an opposing position we could make some money. What you need to do is drive down demand for organic vegetable juice.”
One would think lowering demand for organic vegetable juice would be easy. One might even question why there is a demand for organic vegetable juice. I told Susie to drop the price of juice to 75 cents a bottle. A hip Jacksonite can’t pay less than 8 dollars for organic vegetable juice and remain cool. You might as well drink V8 juice from Maverik!
Demand dropped immediately. Soon JPMorgan was begging to cover their position in organic vegetables. Sachs bought for 20 cents on the dollar; Healthy Being Juicery raised their price back to $14 a jar and demand soared.
Healthy Being Juicery was saved! Alice was creative in showing me her gratitude (see potential pleasant side effects mentioned above). Goldman Sachs made $15 billion, less a thousand dollar fine from the SEC. Blythe received stock options worth $50 million and gave me a performance bonus – a weekend in her Barbados estate with a sundry selection of cute female associates willing to do whatever it took to make junior partner.
I even developed a taste for organic juice. One of my favorites is beet, carrot, celery, apple and mint, mixed with Don Lorenzo Rum.