REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Enroll now for HICS

By on January 14, 2014

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – To provide an option to the controversial Common Core Curriculum adopted by local schools, I have opened the Hog Island Community School (HICS).

One of Common Core’s many failings is the replacement of multiple guess problems with vague essay questions. At HICS we believe denying students a one-in-four shot at the correct answer is unjust. And while essay questions allow the use of creative content in an effort to confuse the teacher, HICS prefers the guess method for its clarity, its purity of form and beauty of random simplicity.

HICS embraces Albert Einstein’s famous quote, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” HICS students are offered math instruction that applies imagination to real life situations, (quantized relative magnitudes as it’s known in academia). Numeral reduction methodology is used when calculating income for tax reasons, explaining to your wife your poker losses, or a woman’s telling her age; the added value analysis technique is applied when calculating net worth to get a loan, improve credit rating or get a date with a girl from the Pines.

Liz Cheney, in need of a job after dropping out of the U.S. Senate race and with her propensity to refer to herself as a patriot, is teaching a civics class titled: Patriotism: All About Me. She will draw on her lifetime of experience as a Cheney to explain why she is a patriot and why others are not. Students will be asked to compose a list of family, friends, and associates who they suspect of non-patriotism. Those named will have their bumper stickers unceremoniously removed, be forced to the back of the line at the bagel shop and be required to wait a year to buy a resident fishing license.

News & Guide economics columnist Jonathan Schechter will teach personal finance using the WTF index: W=What you think you have; T= Truly how much you have and F=…well we know what F equals. WTF is the typical financial method employed by the majority of American brokerage firms and is a generally accepted accounting principle.

English teacher Mrs. Prugh has agreed to come out of retirement and teach rhetorical principles for a variety of career paths. If a student is interested in politics, they will learn to talk without saying anything: “I support comprehensive common sense reforms that will move America forward, upholding our traditions while embracing the future.” If students display an aptitude for economics, Mrs. Prugh will teach them communication techniques intended to baffle: “Calibration in timing that would stem the acceleration in periodic rate risk premiums corresponding to a fixed annual percentage rate without prematurely aborting the decline in inflation-generated existing balances.”

Mrs. Prugh will explain the proper usage of synonyms of the word “extraordinary” in real estate ads: “Incomparable, stunning, one of a kind, unique, architecturally significant property, nestled into its setting, impeccable throughout, featuring enchanting views, exceptional great room, unmatched ambiance and illuminating light.” Students wishing to save the world will become skilled at creating vague nonprofit vision statements: “Our vision is to use the arts to enhance public awareness and to foster cooperation to pursue a path of mutual respect for individual dignity while simultaneously promoting cultural and artistic diversity.” Aspiring columnists will learn how to say “Everyone is stupid!” 10 different ways!


About Clyde Thornhill

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