REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Physics Require Quantum Leap

By on November 5, 2013

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – Normal people are often intimidated by physics and quantum theory. After all, Albert Einstein’s appearance does not bolster confidence in his ability to discern universal truths. I have decided to provide an explanation of not only theoretical physics, but also practical applications from Newton to Planck.

Einstein’s famous equation describing mass-energy equivalence, E = mc2, has special relevance to those of us who like pizza and beer. It is obvious that if energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, the more we pack away in our gut, the more potential energy we have. Each extra pound increases energy, not a little, but by a factor of the speed of light times itself! Makes those dinky power bars seem kind of silly.

Women, not typically known for intellectual prowess, struggle with basic concepts of physics, especially during football season. If we (men) are prone on the couch and our beer is empty, Newton’s first law of motion, (an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force) would suggest that they (women) fetch us another beer, not because we are lazy slobs, but due to basic physical properties of the universe. If the woman in question refuses, a variable not accounted for in Newton’s calculation as he lived before the feminist movement, she becomes the unbalanced force that causes the motion when we are forced to get our own beer. That Newton was able to arrive at this conclusion in the era before the invention of the remote control, not to mention television itself, only accentuates his genius.

Last month, during the fourth quarter of a Denver Broncos game, a full beer can thrown from the fridge hit me in the head, confirming Newton’s first law: An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force. This also reconfirmed that women can pick and choose which universal truths they observe.

General relativity describes gravity and the phenomenon of black holes, wherein mass is compacted to near zero volume and space and time are distorted in such a way that nothing, not even light, can escape. For examples, think Thanksgiving at the in-laws, grammar class, opera or a shopping excursion with a female.
Newton and Einstein are considered the fathers of masculine, or classical, physics, which deals with mass in large scales: things like planets, solar systems, the universe and one-ton trucks with V8 engines and lots of chrome. Quantum theory, with its uncertainty principle, chaos theory and wave-particle duality paradox is considered feminine physics. It deals with the unseen: electromagnetic waves, particles, emotions, feelings, and “I shouldn’t have to tell you why I am mad at you” theory. Max Planck discovered this branch of physics after his wife came home claiming to have saved $50 dollars by spending $300 on a new dress that was marked down. Planck realized irrationality is an integral structure of our universe.
For the past 100 years physicists have been seeking a unified field theory that works for both masculine and feminine physics. It is not a surprise to men that no workable theory has been derived. However, women hypothesize that a unified theory is possible, if men would just learn to listen to them.


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