- THE FOODIE FILES: Centenarian secrets
- THE BUZZ: Teewinot claims two
- REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island economics
- FEATURE: The Center of the Universe
- GUEST OPINION: Five times the feces?
- GET OUT: Ode to Delta
- MUSIC BOX: Euphoria meets Canyon
- THE BUZZ: The Faces of Blair
- WELL, THAT HAPPENED: Trumped up comedy
- MUSIC BOX: Heroes can’t stand still
Gallopin’ Grandma: Sunbeams aren’t for everyone
JACKSON HOLE, WYO – My friend Lawanda recently quit her job at Psychic World in Jackpot, Nev. She was tired of reading palms, peering into tea leaves, casting spells and warding off curses. Lawanda sold her crystal ball on eBay ($24.95 at Big Lots) and headed home on a mission.
My friend knew that home was full of lonely, miserable, inept people who couldn’t tell their right foot from their left without a map. All they needed was someone to point the way to a more exciting life, and she knew that she was the one. She incorporated herself as Sunbeam Girl, printed some fliers and set out to shower with sunbeams all the crusty unfortunates just waiting for her to show up.
Her first target was the Men’s Club at the senior center. All they did was sit around all day drinking coffee and eating stale donuts left over from the nearest truck stop. She explained to them that they were wasting their time and that life could be exciting and fun (maybe even with girlfriends) and she could show them how. They patiently explained to her that life already was exciting, and on Wednesday nights there was going to be bingo and a meat raffle at the Moose lodge. (If you don’t know what a meat raffle is, you don’t deserve to know.)
Try as she might, all the sunbeams in the world couldn’t dislodge that bunch. In fact, the Merkel twins, Oscar and Olaf, said that they couldn’t go on dates because their 80-year-old mother would have to come along. She could drive but they couldn’t, and anyways, she had to be home early to start her mail route. Apparently anything involving changing their underwear and wearing a tie scared them to death, so they suggested that she go take her sunbeams elsewhere.
The next sunbeam attack was at the county Women’s Club lunch, where Sunbeam Girl was met with a solid wall of suspicion and polyester. Lawanda explained her mission to spread sunshine and that if they would just allow her, she could make a big difference in their lives. They could have happiness, soul mates, boyfriends and no more spending all their time at Wal-Mart.
The women stared at her before telling her that they were happy, and if they needed a soul mate they had each other. And besides, they liked Wal-Mart. They told Sunbeam Girl to take her sunbeams and leave them alone.
Then, a little voice in the corner said that maybe a trip to one of those places where cute guys take off their clothes might be fun.
And with that, Lawanda is now running the Sunbeam Bus Company. They plan on going on garden tours, theater tours and other stuff like that, but the bus always seems to break down in front of one of those places where cute guys take off their clothes and little old ladies in polyester wave dollar bills in the air.
My friend has learned that you have to give people what they really want or you just might wind up at a meat raffle.