- THE FOODIE FILES: Centenarian secrets
- THE BUZZ: Teewinot claims two
- REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island economics
- FEATURE: The Center of the Universe
- GUEST OPINION: Five times the feces?
- GET OUT: Ode to Delta
- MUSIC BOX: Euphoria meets Canyon
- THE BUZZ: The Faces of Blair
- WELL, THAT HAPPENED: Trumped up comedy
- MUSIC BOX: Heroes can’t stand still
REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Economic Summit
JACKSON HOLE, WYO – Alice, my Republican lover, was all excited when she stopped by last night. “I went to the fifth annual Rocky Mountain Economic Summit at the Center for the Arts,” she gushed.
“Was there food?” I asked. “Or beer?” I doubted it. The Center for the Arts is all about wine and nuts.
“I got to listen to panel discussions from economists and Governor Mead even stopped by for a networking party sponsored by Rolls Royce,” Alice said.
Once again I was taken by the political savoir-faire of our governor. He had the foresight to miss rattling panel discussions by a bunch of economists, but still made the networking party. A networking party is a cocktail party for rich people who enjoy the company of others who find themselves in similar financial circumstance. Sponsored by Rolls Royce, no doubt there was much more than wine and peanuts to snack on.
“There was a banker’s panel, an economic outlook panel, a Federal Reserve Bank panel, an investment panel, and an assorted selection of Rolls Royces to look at,” Alice went on. “All for only $500.”
“That’s a fair price,” I told Alice. “I’m not sure I could handle listening to economists all day, but for $500, I could try.”
“No silly,” she said. “We had to pay $500 to listen to them. The place was sold out.”
I was stunned at what people paid to listen to economists. I wondered out loud how much they’d pay to watch paint dry.
“It was a bargain,” Alice said defensively. “One economist explained that, if present trends persist, energy development would, barring the unforeseen, likely play an important part in Wyoming’s economic future, another suggested that, given the facts available on monetary policy at this time, economic indicators imply that future growth in the GNP would generally be tied to an expanding economy.”
Despite the invaluable knowledge gain by Alice and other participants, anyone paying to hear economists talk is depraved. While depravity in the female sector is often seen as an asset, as depravity increases in the overall population, studies suggest that, if one was to include the proper, or at least likely, variables and grant fluctuation for unseen or unanticipated future unknowns, that as depravity increases it will, generally, become more omnipresent in all segments of society.
Now she had me doing it. The economic double-speak came pretty easy, actually, and I found it intriguing. I decided to sponsor a Hog Island Economic Summit. At $450 a person it was a steal.
Below is an excerpt from the keynote speech to be delivered by Clevis Mcelroy, owner of a double-wide trailer, investor in fine firearms, and CEO and CFO of Mcelroy Excavating and Septic Service.
“Hog Island’s trade imbalance is caused by demand for goods and services obtained beyond Hog Island and a lack of demand for Hog Island products. This imbalance is exasperated by Hog Islander’s hunger for guns, beer and strippers which are available only in Jackson, Hoback Nation and Alpine. That said, inroads are being made: Many Hog Islander’s reload their own ammo and micro businesses like Hog Island Whiskey, which reallocates empty Wyoming Whiskey bottles from the recycle center, fills them with Jim Beam, then remarkets them as Wyoming Whiskey (no one can tell the difference), are making small, but not insignificant inroads toward Hog Island’s financial independence.”