- THE FOODIE FILES: Centenarian secrets
- THE BUZZ: Teewinot claims two
- REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island economics
- FEATURE: The Center of the Universe
- GUEST OPINION: Five times the feces?
- GET OUT: Ode to Delta
- MUSIC BOX: Euphoria meets Canyon
- THE BUZZ: The Faces of Blair
- WELL, THAT HAPPENED: Trumped up comedy
- MUSIC BOX: Heroes can’t stand still
REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Day Camp
JACKSON HOLE, WYO – I stopped by Shades as Susie was getting ready to go on break. She grabbed a day-old cappuccino-raspberry-pumpkin-cinnamon muffin for me, and a bowl of a salad-looking substance with carrots, other vegetable stuff and quinoa, the latest chic food to hit Jackson’s hipper establishments.
“James is gone for a few days at an architectural convention,” she said. “He’s learning delay techniques for answering contractor RFIs. Some of Jackson’s best architects are instructing.”
My ears perked up. I don’t like Susie just for her day-olds.
“Anyway, I’m home all alone, new satin sheets on the bed, the hot tub was just cleaned, and I can pick up a case of Budweiser,” Susie said, dropping ever-so-subtle hints.
“Did James ever get that new flat screen TV?”
Susie delivered the coup de grace. “Yup.”
“I’ll be there,” I told her.
While Susie munched on her salad, I told her about the new business I was starting. “It’s going to be a summer day camp for boys,” I said proudly, showing her the list of camp activities I had drawn up on the back of a Virginian Saloon cocktail napkin.
“Hmmm,” she said. “I hope you don’t plan on recruiting outside of Hog Island.”
I was offended. “Westbank kids will love this stuff,” I said. “After being forced to do craft projects with overprotective nannies and flower-gazing with Teton Science School what boy wouldn’t enjoy tossing Coleman gas canisters into a fire?”
“All our neighbors in the Pines are sending their daughters to She Shines Camp for Girls,” Susie told me. “It not only empowers, it reveals their radiant authenticity, builds strength, confidence, inner beauty, emotional intelligence and reflects a girl’s own magnificence, all for only $250 for five days.”
“$250 for five days! I would definitely like to expand into the Westbank market,” I said with excitement. “I could adapt my camp activities to blend with Westbank sensibilities.”
Later that night, after an adventure involving Susie, black silk and satin, we relaxed in the hot tub with a cold Budweiser and worked on an expanded list of camp activities guaranteed to please the most discerning Westbanker.
At my insistence, we kept the field trip up the Gros Ventre for chiseler hunting with automatic weapons and four-wheelers, but afterward there will be guided meditation to encourage self-acceptance and love.
We reworded the details of our fishing trip to Jackson Lake to make it sound like a science experiment, which, in truth, it is. There is research into electromagnetic induction, propagation and radiation of electromagnetic waves, electric fields, electric potential and electric current, or, as we say in Hog Island, “put the wires in the water ’til fish float to the top!” After a massive fish fry, with beer provided for those with notes from home, we will have an evening journaling class teaching expression of emotions that reflect authenticity.
The camp will end with a modern dance interpretation by Bare Necessities, an Idaho dance company with enough dancers to provide each student with an individualized, empowering experience aimed at building emotional intelligence.